I used to live my life by what I thought I “should” do. Or “shouldn’t” do.

After I exuberantly declared Psychology as my major, the first thing my family and friends told me was, “You’ll never make any money doing that!” So I thought I *should* study business. I figured I *should* make money. But I ripped up my heart in the process. I remember crying the night I was inducted into my business fraternity, Beta Alpha Sigma. Fellow members thought I was overcome with joy. Hah! Far from it. I thought I’d sold out. But I “bucked up” and finished with a dual degree in Economics and Marketing. (I also told myself I *should* prove my muscle and get two degrees).

About 2 1/2 years into my first “real” job, at a time management training company that’s now owned by Franklin-Covey, my manager told me, “If you want to move up in the business world, you *should* go to law school or business school.” So, even though I *wanted to* get a Masters degree in Psychology, I thought I *should* follow her advice. I scored in the lower 50th percentage on the LSAT exam for law school, but in the top 5% on the GMAT exam, for business school. So, what did I think? I thought, “I *should* go to business school.” And I did. And mostly, I hated it.

And after business school, even though I *wanted to* take a job in Human Resources, I thought I *should* pay attention to the management consulting firms that were recruiting me. And, when I looked at the money and the prestige, I convinced myself that this was the “right” path for me. Only I was miserable. I worked insane hours on projects that required me to sit at a desk and crunch numbers and make PowerPoint presentations about corporate strategies. All I really *wanted* to do was connect with the clients, to know how they were feeling about the changes my consulting firm was planning for them.

I slugged it out in this job, telling myself “Come on! Show them you’re tough!” All the while, I was wishing for a Fairy Godmother to come rescue me and place me in work that would make me happier than dealing with 80 to 100 hour work weeks, living on airplanes and in hotels, and doing work that really didn’t excite me one iota.  I started getting killer headaches and violent stomachaches, but chalked it up to long hours and bad hotel food.

It took passing out — literally losing consciousness in front of a group of clients– for me to awaken to my desires. I slowed down, listened to my heart, and finally got back in touch with what I *wanted* from my life. I left the consulting firm and pursued a career in online learning, happy to have greater creativity and fewer hours. As I started to further clarify my desires, I experienced a cascade of other unfortunate events, including the demise of my marriage, moving from a big house into a teeny apartment, nearly losing a family member to a serious accident, enduring two surgeries, and getting laid off from my job. Sometimes, experiencing what we do not want wakes us up to what we do want.

In my heart of hearts, I wanted to study psychology. I said to myself, as well as to supportive friends, “I don’t want to be a 70 year-old woman when I finally go back to school. I need to study psychology now.” And I put my head in the service of my heart, and not the other way around. I followed my heart’s guidance to pursuing my PhD in Mind/Body psychology. And I enlisted my wise mind to figure out how to afford school, including getting work as a career advisor at the Haas School of Business at UC Berkeley, where I had earned my MBA.

While I was at Haas, not only did I do what was in my job description (to review resumes and cover letters and prepare students for interview). I helped the students to feel calm about their career search, to find the clarity about the work they desired, and to build the inner confidence to promote themselves. I had so much fun with these amazing students, applying the mind-body tools I was learning in school. I might ask a student to notice how his body felt as he discussed a company he was ambivalent about joining, and to follow his instincts and impulses, guiding him to find his own clarity within. Or if a student had to choose between two job offers, I might invite her to imagine one in each hand, and notice what her body was telling her about those choices.

Soon, I had a following of students, and over time, they said, “You *should* start your own coaching practice.” And this time, the “should” really aligned with what I felt inside. I “wanted to” pursue that. So, in 2005, I launched Work from Within.

Fast forward from 2001 to 2011. Recently, I’ve had a few financial struggles. A few well-meaning friends have said, “You *should* take a corporate job, or at least consult to corporations for a while. You could make a lot of money.” The word “should” makes me take a second look. It’s not that I immediately dismiss someone else’s “should.” It’s that I take a moment, take a deep breath, put a hand on my heart, and ask for my heart’s wisdom.

Right now, my heart is telling me that I “want to” move into sharing more of my message about what it means to “work from within” and about creating a ROLE (Return On Life Energy) that truly fits you. If I allow myself to envision connecting with readers like you, the sensations in my body are relaxed. Easy. Peaceful. Centered. And when I imagine walking into a corporate building and teaching, I feel tightness, a lump in my throat, and a knot in my stomach. Hmm. I could try to convince myself to take a corporate route. It’s not that I’m averse to helping people in the corporate world. They are 85% of my clients! And many of them wind up liking their jobs more because of our work. It’s just that I feel a greater affinity, at least for now, with individuals.

I feel like I can share the messages and wisdom I’ve been gleaning over the years so much better when I’m working with individuals. Who knows? Maybe individuals will lead me into their corporations. Or the book I’m working on will launch me into some corporate work. Or I’ll align with corporations in some amazing, yet-unforeseen way. It’s just that for now, I “want to” start with a bigger message for individuals, and if that leads me into corporate work, great. But starting with corporate work, right now, feels like a “should.”

I can move from the “should” path to the “want to” way because I’ve walked this way before. And while it does take some faith, walking this “want to” path just feels more like me. And that just feels right.

I welcome your thoughts and reflections on your own journey from “should” path to the “want to” way. What do you want to to say?

With care,

Dr. Susan Bernstein

Ready to let go of your “shoulds”? Do you “want to” find your new direction while you’re sitting in a hot tub, relaxing on the Pacific Ocean? Join me a transformative weekend workshop June 24-26, 2011. I’ll lead you in my highly-acclaimed “Crafting Careers That Truly Fit” workshop at the Esalen Institute in gorgeous Big Sur, California. And, if you sign up by June 1, you’ll get $375 in bonuses, including a one-on-one coaching session with me!  Get all the details here.