Last week, Margaux Joy DeNador, a local acquaintance of mine, posted a quote on her Facebook page that grabbed me. The words soothed me through some challenges I’m facing right now. So I put them into a graphic for you. I knew these words could speak to many of you who face what I am facing…

Big changes ahead. Lots of uncertainty.

In my case, my business is in flux. And I’m being forced to move out of my house.

I’ve kind of sensed it was time for a shakeup. I recognize the feelings. I’ve been through some very rough spots in my life before. In an intense five-week period in 2001, my marriage fell apart, one of my family members was hospitalized after a serious accident, I moved from the big house we’d owned as a couple to a much smaller apartment, I had two surgeries, and I was laid off from my job. All that in five short weeks. Intense changes. But somehow, I knew that I would come out of it better. Maybe not immediately, but I had a small part of my heart that kept telling me that everything would work out. And it did.

I went back to school for a PhD in Somatic Psychology, the best, most experiential, most transformational learning of my life. I weathered the divorce and grew stronger for it. I made new friends and felt happier and more accepted. I started dancing and cycling. I got in shape, mentally, physically, and emotionally.

So now, I keep focused on what IS working, what DOES feel good, what IS possible.

Yes, sometimes my confidence fades. I do my best to stay out of self-pity, misery, dread, and anxiety. It’s not always easy to see my circumstances positively. But doing the opposite, seeing life negatively, just doesn’t feel good.

I use my body as a barometer for my thoughts.

Almost like a meditation, a form of mindfulness, I check in with my body to see how my thoughts are doing. Do I feel light or heavy? Tense or fluid? Is my breathing deep or shallow? Is my jaw tight or loose? Does my stomach feel easy or knotted? This internal, somatic awareness allows me to notice myself and get curious about my thinking. Then, I ask myself:  Am I fearful? Hopeful? Or confident?

This sweet passage, attributed to King Whitney, Jr. (I’ve not been able to find more than the name, sadly — if you do, please let me know!) is a precious reminder that the challenge I am facing exists to make things better. That’s its reason for being.

When you’re going through a rough patch, my hope is that you will see that the very reason the challenge exists is to help make things better. Not worse. Better.

What challenge are you facing, and how will it make things better? Share your answer, below. I’m here for you, Dear One…

Curiously yours,

What would YOU like to feel more confident about? I’ve decided to write a whole month of blog posts on creating Kick-Ass Confidence, from mid-September to mid-October. Each day, I’ll be sharing stories, ideas, and practices for cultivating feel-it-in-your-bones, deep-rooted, self-confidence. Get the whole series delivered to your email box, for free! Plus other fun goodies to help you boost your confidence. Subscribe now by clicking here.

Yesterday, through a little experiment, I’ve discovered something vital. And I want you to take this idea for a test drive.

Test-drive this:  If you radiate love, you’ll gain confidence

I’m not actually talking about being in love. Sure, romantic love can make your hormones happy, and you’re more likely to feel on top of the world and capable of feats you previously considered magic.

This kind of love is different. It’s universal love. The love you feel about being alive, especially if you’ve had a brush with illness or death. I’m talking about the love you feel when you see natural beauty, like the autumn leaves transmuting from greens to reds and purples. The love you feel when you see a precious newborn baby, just hours or minutes old. That sense that all is well in the world.

It’s not even about receiving love.

Yes, you can feel confident when you receive love. Like when your spouse tells you how important you are. Or your kid tells you “You’re the greatest!” Or your parents let you know that they’re so glad they had you. Or your nieces and nephews make a big fuss that you’re playing with them, and you just feel the love pouring in.

Receiving love feels good. Really good. But I think there’s a different direction to the kind of love that leaves you feeling confident.

When you radiate love, you feel confident

It’s a premise that I tested out very deliberately yesterday, and I’m inviting you to test drive for yourself, and report back with what happens for you.

My story: Yesterday, I was feeling down in the dumps. A lot of things in my life are changing. Including the fact that I need to move. I’ve loved the house where I’ve been renting for over four years, but that’s coming to an end. Honestly, I’m feeling anxious about that. And a few other details, which I’ll wait to disclose, have got me feeling a bit on edge. Anxious, really.

So, I sat in my dear, sweet, Craftsman style house, bemoaning my fate, when I realized I was late for a meeting. I wiped the tears from my eyes, put on a fresh coat of mascara, grabbed my purse, and walked out the door. Inwardly, a little voice said, “I’m not ready for this meeting. I’m in no condition to go out. I feel shaky and nervous. Who would want to be with me? Not me!”

I know enough about creating Kick-Ass Confidence that I stopped, sensed my body, and discovered that I was feeling tight, tense, and almost nauseous. Good signs that I was creating havoc instead of help. So I stopped, slowed down, took some deep breaths, closed my eyes, and focused internally. I asked my Inner Wisdom to come help out, that part of me that knows how to be kind and supportive of me, instead of condemning. Within a few minutes, I heard and felt the words, “Radiate love.”

I wasn’t quite sure what those words meant, but I knew I had to listen. I knew I had to attempt to “radiate love.”

As I got in the car, a driver passed. I imagined that my heart was filled with universal love, and I just let it emit from my heart, kind of the way that a fog comes over a place. I visualized emanating love, as best I could.

Then, something sweet happened. The driver smile a warm, radiant smile at me. Hmm. I felt a little better.

As I got onto the highway, I imagined that my heart could just pour out love to everyone around. Almost magically, cars got out of my way. It was honestly a little eerie, but fun.

Just before walking in the door for the meeting, my chest constricted and I felt choked. I was unsure how the “radiate love” experiment would work out. But I figured I had a choice. Pour out anxiety. Or pour out love.

I opted for love.

As I opened the door, my mind’s eye pictured a sea of sweet multi-colored waves bathing everything around, including my fellow meeting participants. “You look radiant!” beamed one of my collaborators. “I do?” I asked, taken aback?

“Yes!” came a chorus of friends. Then, one by one, people came up and hugged me. “We’re so glad you’re here! We really need your expertise today!” Wow, from a day of feeling down to revving up the energy. This practice of radiating love was working. More than even on the other people, it was working on me. Giving me a place to put my attention. Offering me a way to generate a positive vibe.

Wow, what a way to gain confidence. By radiating love. As the Indian guru, Amma says, “Love can never be tiring or boring. It keeps filling your heart with more and more energy.”

It’s time for your test drive. Radiate love. See what happens to your confidence. Let us know. Post back here on the blog.

Lovingly,

What would YOU like to feel more confident about? I’ve decided to write a whole month of blog posts on creating Kick-Ass Confidence, from mid-September to mid-October. Each day, I’ll be sharing stories, ideas, and practices for cultivating feel-it-in-your-bones, deep-rooted, self-confidence. Get the whole series delivered to your email box, for free! Plus other fun goodies to help you boost your confidence. Subscribe now by clicking here.

I’ve been writing a whole series on Kick-Ass Confidence, because I want to help you feel powerful and vibrant and flowing in your life.

So, I’ve got a question for you. Why don’t you feel confident?

Over and over again, I hear four key confidence killers. Today, I thought I’d let you know how to kick-ass against them.

Confidence Killer #1:  I don’t have the skills to do what’s being asked of me. Sometimes, we’re asked to stretch ourselves. I remember when one of my managers asked me to produce a video. I had never done that before. Oh, and she gave me a week in which to do it. For the first hour after she assigned the task, I was sick to my stomach, telling myself, “I don’t know how to do this.” But until you do something, you don’t know how to do it, right? This often happens when you’re working on something new.

Kick-Ass Confidence Consultation: First, tell yourself that you will be able do this task or project, with help and support. Then, go out and get the help and support you need. I called anyone and everyone I knew who had produced videos, found a company who could help me shoot and edit the video, wrote a script, found (non-professional) actors in our company to be in the video, and amazingly, created a kick-ass video in just a week. Call on friends and family, take a class, look for articles online, and boost your confidence bit by bit. And give yourself full permission to be a beginner, instead of a pro.

***

Confidence Killer #2: When I compare myself with others, I’m not as good. Comparing yourself to anyone is a recipe for kicking your confidence to the curb. Ouch! Please don’t do it. Why beat yourself for not performing at the level of someone else? You can only live in your own body, so you can only be responsible for yourself. And you’ll lose confidence if keep looking over your shoulder to see who’s doing things better than you.

Kick-Ass Confidence Consultation: Always tell yourself, “I’m doing the best I can.” Because you are. Instead of looking at others and judging yourself against them, look in the mirror and say positive things to yourself. Sure, it might feel goofy. But if you’re going to talk to yourself, instead of bringing yourself down, how about communicating something uplifting to sweet, wonderful you?

***

Confidence Killer #3: I feel nervous. I tell myself, “I can’t do it.” This is an issue where you tell yourself you just don’t think you can do what you  set out to do. You have a goal in mind, but you tell yourself, “No can do.” Or you find all the reasons that you will fail. Even if it doesn’t feel good, you may feel powerless to stop the negative self-talk.

Kick-Ass Confidence Consultation: As before, tell yourself, “I’m doing the best I can.” More importantly, tell yourself, “I will love and care for myself, no matter what the outcome.” We often live in the delusion that we have total control over our outcomes. That we are in charge of what happens. But let’s imagine that you’re a salesperson and supposed to hit your quota of enrolling 50 new customers this month in a workshop. You try your darnedest, but you only get 10 people enrolled. You might need more training. More support. A better workshop to sell. A different job. But instead of telling yourself, “I can’t do it,” be good to yourself. Keep encouraging yourself. Then, at the end of the month, if you hit your numbers, great! Celebrate! And if you don’t hit your numbers, celebrate anyway. Cheer yourself on for doing the best you could, and remember that you get to love and care about yourself, no matter what. You may not have control over the outcomes of any endeavor. But you do have control over how you treat yourself.

***

Confidence Killer #3: Other people say things that shake my confidence.” We all want our parents, our siblings, our spouses, our kids, our friends, our co-workers, and everyone around us to say nice, supportive things to us. But we don’t get to control what comes out of their mouths and the attitudes they share with us. Maybe your co-worker makes snide remarks like, “Oh, so you think you know what you’re doing on this project, eh?” Ouch! That can sting.

Kick-Ass Confidence Consultation: Inoculate yourself. People will say all kinds of things, for all kinds of reasons. Some are malicious. Some are just plain ignorant. Some are mistakes. You get to choose to be your biggest fan. It’s your fan club, and whether there’s one fan or one billion, I hope you will be your biggest fan. If someone says really nasty things to you, you can reply, “Ouch! That hurts. I prefer you either say something supportive to me, or please don’t say anything at all.”

***

Confidence Killer #4: I don’t feel confident because I don’t have support. We all need people around us to share ideas, suggestions, and encouragement. You may not have support 24/7, but if you’re lacking it most of the time, that can make you feel weak.

Kick-Ass Confidence Consultation: Instead of waiting and wishing for others to help you out, reach out. Create your own circle of support. I know it’s vulnerable, but make some phone calls to ask people to support you. For example, if you have a big project coming up and you don’t know how to do it, gather your own circle of people who have done it before, who can introduce you to help contacts and connections, and who can cheer you on.

What are YOU doing to create Kick-Ass Confidence? Post your confidence boosters here, so we can all learn & grow!

Kick it up a notch,

What would YOU like to feel more confident about? I’ve decided to write a whole month of blog posts on creating Kick-Ass Confidence, from mid-September to mid-October. Each day, I’ll be sharing stories, ideas, and practices for cultivating feel-it-in-your-bones, deep-rooted, self-confidence. Get the whole series delivered to your email box, for free! Plus other fun goodies to help you boost your confidence. Subscribe now by clicking here.

I want to explode a silent but powerful myth:  To look confident, you need to puff yourself up.

It’s kind of an unspoken principle that to display confidence, you have to puff yourself up. If you haven’t noticed it, tune into your television, or look at photos online, and focus on celebrities.  Notice how celebrities tend to stick their chests out. And they raise their  head up high. And that puffing up can go beyond the physical. Puffing up can mean inflating your ego. Politicians do it to. And so do a lot of business leaders.

Be honest:  Have you ever seen someone puff themselves up, in an attempt to look confident? Sure, sure you have. And when you see it, you know it smells of artificiality. That’s because puffing yourself up is an artificial form of confidence. It’s not the Real McCoy. When you’re confident, you can even cry. Confidence is not all about posturing.

Real confidence comes from a genuine feeling inside. You don’t manufacture it. Real confidence is about believing in yourself, no matter what.

Yes, you can give your confidence a boost with a bit of posturing. But that posturing does not need to be artificial. There’s an alternative, a genuine attention to your posture, to how you are forming yourself that’s not about trying to “pose” and look good. Instead, this genuine attention to your posture is about sensing your body and noticing how it feels. And paying attention to your inner state of being, adjusting yourself, moving around, until you find a stance that makes you feel strong. Sort of the way you might move around in bed to find a position that feels comfy.

The next time you’re lacking confidence, notice how you are standing. Do your feet feel firmly planted on the ground? Are your head and neck aligned in a way that allows you to feel inspired, both physically and metaphorically? Is your gaze looking up or looking down? Try making small adjustments, and see if some amount of changing your body helps you change your mind.

These shifts in your body might be so subtle that no one else detects you as you’re making them, yet they know, for real, that you are confident. A true, relaxed confidence.

And, if you need to give yourself a confidence boost, instead of puffing, try adopting the phrase, “I will believe in myself, no matter what.” Really, that’s the most amazing form of support. From yourself. From the inside out.

So, instead of “puffery,” I’ve given you two confidence-boosting approaches: Adjusting your body, and believing in yourself, no matter what.

How do YOU like to build up your own confidence? Share your ideas and techniques, here, on the blog. We can all benefit.

From my heart,

What would YOU like to feel more confident about? I’ve decided to write a whole month of blog posts on creating Kick-Ass Confidence, from mid-September to mid-October. Each day, I’ll be sharing stories, ideas, and practices for cultivating feel-it-in-your-bones, deep-rooted, self-confidence. Get the whole series delivered to your email box, for free! Plus other fun goodies to help you boost your confidence. Subscribe now by clicking here.

Confidence doesn’t always blossom in the ways we expect that it might.

Take, for example, my client, Heather. She decided to do coaching with me because she lacked confidence at work. Despite deep technical skills in sustainability and eco-friendly development, Heather hated to give presentations, especially to the Board of Directors of the non-profit where she’d worked for the past five years.

Heather confided: “I’m so afraid the Board of Directors is going to grill me about issues that I don’t fully understand. I get tongue-tied when all those men in suits ask me questions. And there’s a woman, Beatrice, on the Board of Directors who always glares at me during meetings, so when I present, I’m terrified that she’ll find out I don’t know as much as I’m supposed to know.”

Bottom line: Heather had the skills, but not the confidence, to impress the Board members.

To help Heather prepare for an upcoming board meeting, I asked her to role play with me, imagining that she was presenting news about an important new eco-awareness project she managed. I pretended to be Beatrice, and just stared at Heather as she spoke. Sure enough, she got all flustered. “I want to stop this! I hate that I can’t hold it together when people look at me that way!”

Confidence is palpable. You can feel it in your body.

Working from the premise that when you put your attention in your body, you ease your mind, I asked Heather a weird question:  “Can you feel your feet right now?” Heather looked at me cock-eyed and said, “Um, sure.” I asked her to try speaking again, but this time, to feel her feet as she spoke. “Feel my feet? OK, I’ll try it.” Heather took a few seconds to sense her feet, really feeling them. Then she began speaking about her new eco-awareness project. This time she kept her eye contact with me. “Wow! Feeling my feet, I feel more like I’m really here, like I’m more centered and present.”

In the next breath she said “But I am having trouble concentrating in both places at the same time, my head and my mouth. There’s a board meeting  tomorrow. I don’t know if I can be ready so soon.” Heather let out an audible sigh.

“You’re trying something new. Yet you’re approaching this new tasks with high expectations of yourself,” I told her. “Yep. I’m a perfectionist,” she replied. “Hey, let’s drop the labels,” I suggested.

We know confidence when we see it. And we can grab it for our own.

Then I asked a vital question, “Who do you know who confidently tries new things with gusto? Who just jumps right in, without worrying how they’ll turn out?”

“Well, that’s easy. My 7 year-old nephew, Eugene. It’s amazing to see him try anything new. He laughs. He smiles. He gets so excited by novelty. And for some reason, if he does something wrong, he just giggles. And he literally shakes it off, kind of moving his head in big circles, like he has long hair that he’s waving around. He’s so easy going!”

“Close your eyes and visualize Eugene, with all his energy and exuberance,” I directed Heather. “Now, imagine that you’re infusing yourself with his confidence. Like some of his playful energy is moving right into you. How does that make you feel?” I waited as Heather took some deep breaths. A huge smile rose across her previously serious face.

“Oooh! Strong. Powerful. Even playful!”

“Great! Keep feeling how your body feels with this energy!” I coached Heather to open her eyes slowly, feeling that Eugene energy within herself. “Now, feeling that energy, and feeling your feet firmly connected to the earth, go ahead, and tell me about your eco-awareness project.”

This time, as she spoke, Heather was positively lively, clear, and connected to me. I glared at her, hard, like Beatrice would, but she was unfazed. She moved around, full of energy and vibrancy, sharing the details of her program with a passion and conviction I had only imagined she had. When she finished her remarks, she looked at me a little sheepishly. “Um, that was fun. Was I any good? Did I sound too much like a kid? Because I kind of felt like one.”

It’s awe-inspiring to watch someone who embodies confidence.

Heather’s presentation was fully adult and professional, and also full of kid-like spunk and verve. Essentially, she nailed it. I advised her to take this energy into the meeting the next day. Despite her misgivings about invoking her 7 year-old nephew when she spoke, she positively impressed the Board. So much so that Beatrice approached Heather and said, “I’ve always thought you were smart, but I used to think you weren’t very articulate. Something different happened today. I saw your confidence. You sparkled. You lit up the room and convinced us to invest in your eco-awareness project. Very well done!”

Later that week, Beatrice took Heather aside and said, “I kind of think you’ve outgrown this organization. It’s too small for you. You need to be at a company where you can have a bigger impact.” After all Heather’s years of non-profit work, Beatrice introduced her to colleagues at a major Fortune 50 company, who ultimately hired her to address ecological issues. She’s got international responsibilities now, and influence as well. It’s paid off for Heather to find her Kick-Ass Confidence from a 7 year-old. And now, that confidence is irrevocably hers.

So, who do you know who confidently tries new things with gusto? And when are you going to try on their Kick-Ass Confidence. Experiment like Heather did, even in a small way. Then post here and let me know what happens.

With gusto,

What would YOU like to feel more confident about? I’ve decided to write a whole month of blog posts on creating Kick-Ass Confidence, from mid-September to mid-October. Each day, I’ll be sharing stories, ideas, and practices for cultivating feel-it-in-your-bones, deep-rooted, self-confidence. Get the whole series delivered to your email box, for free! Plus other fun goodies to help you boost your confidence. Subscribe now by clicking here.

Do you have Kick-Ass Confidence?

After blogging about it for a week, I realize that Kick-Ass Confidence is a feeling of exhilaration that arises when you know in your gut that no matter what happens, you will believe in yourself.

Do you wonder if you’ve got the “Kick-Ass” part of confidence? Perhaps “kick ass” conjures up images of being tough, with a thick skin, and a ninja-like fighting quality, with a sense of bravado? Oooh, not my intention! Sounds like hard work to me. No thanks.

To me, the “Kick-Ass” part is all about feeling good no matter what. Sure, I could have called it, “Feel Good No Matter What Confidence,” but that’s a mouthful! For me, “Kick-Ass” is about the exhilaration, the juicy deep-down feeling rooted within you, keeping you navigating towards inner well-being, even when circumstances outside of you might not seem all that positive.

Can you imagine feeling good about yourself when a bunch of seemingly negative things happen all around you?

I discovered that I could about 10 years ago. In a brief five week period, my marriage dissolved, I moved from a huge house to a teeny temporary apartment, someone in my family sustained an injury that required a month-long hospitalization, I had two surgeries, and I was laid off from my job. No house, not such good health, and no job. My life changed substantially in five weeks.

If you had all these unsettling experiences in such a short span, how would you embody Kick-Ass Confidence?

Here’s what I did to have Kick-Ass Confidence in the midst of chaos. I know these three simple steps, if you really apply them, can work for you…

(1) Slow down to the speed of your BODY to find the power of your own sweet presence

Kick-Ass Confidence is something you embody. You feel it in your bones. You breathe it. You live it. There’s no need to fake your emotions. So you can have Kick-Ass Confidence at the same time as challenges in your life are upsetting you. The difference is, when your confidence is firmly rooted in your body, you don’t bend and sway and lose your center when difficulties arise (and they will in life; that’s unavoidable). Sure, I was distraught to have my life turned upside down back in 2001. But that view of my life was, and will probably always be, a set of ideas. Concepts. That’s what my mind dreams up. I thought “I am a marketing manager,” so losing my job made me be shocked to be “unemployed.”

When the world is spinning, one of the best things you can do is to feel your feet on the ground. And put a hand on your chest and feel your heart beating. Notice your chest rising and falling as you breathe. When you focus on what’s happening in your body, moment to moment, you enter the present moment. Stay there for a while, noticing sensations in your body. Do this as long as you can. Just hang out with yourself and describe, in your mind, what you’re feeling. “I notice my breath in my belly. I feel a tightness in my shoulders, especially my left one. My right forearm is pressing hard against the computer as I’m typing.”

Notice and silently describe your sensations. This practice can really transform anxiety into peace. If you’re like me, too often, you hang out with the “idea” of yourself, the image of you we think you should be. That’s a mental game. When you get into your body, and feel your sensations, you come into the present moment. That’s the most precious moment, ever. And as you keep inviting yourself, through the wisdom of your sensations, to be in the present moment, you give yourself the gift of your own sweet self. You get to know you.

If you want a sensational, kick-ass life, pay attention to your sensations. They’ll guide you back to the true you. The you that has tons of Kick-Ass Confidence.

(2) Attune your MIND to the positive channel.

What messages you are broadcasting to yourself? The words you say to yourself have an impact. And you get to determine how they play out.

Here’s an example:  During that chaotic five-week period back in 2001, I began to watch my mind and the thoughts it was conjuring up. At first, they were scary! “What if I never get a job again and I spend all of my savings, and I wind up homeless, in the street, like a shopping bag lady?” Aaaak!

I began to notice that I was the one who generated those scary, fearful thoughts. Sure, my friends and family could worry about me. But can be an expert in anxiousness. Soon after all the nuttiness, I gave up my television. Without a television, I observed that I was less anxious. It occurred to me that my mind was like the television. Sometimes, it was broadcasting on a very negative channel.

If you want to embody Kick-Ass Confidence, you need to be broadcasting positive, uplifting programming. Sure, sometimes you’d rather watch something violent, like wrestling, on TV. But in your own mind? Try out more uplifting thoughts. To do that, think of a project where you’d like to embody more Kick-Ass Confidence, like talking to your boss or speaking in front of crowds. Then, make a list of the thoughts that are worrying or frustrating you about this project. One by one, upgrade the thoughts. So instead of saying, “My boss will always hate me,” try on “I am going to do my best with my boss, and I’ll appreciate myself, no matter what.” You’ll know you’ve found a good phrase when your body feels relief, like letting out a sigh, breathing more deeply, or feeling more energized.

(3) Connect with SPIRIT.

When you’re lacking confidence, do you tend to isolate yourself? Many people do, out of a sense of shame. Maybe you wish your circumstances were different. To ease your journey of change, connect to spirit.

I see spirit as two-fold:  Your own inner spirit, and Spirit with a capital “S.” Your own inner spirit is that place of higher wisdom, the ever-affirming self, the part of you that transcends your judging ego and trusts that everything always works out, but you may not always know how or when it will work out. In moments of hardship, find a quiet place to relax. Gently put a hand on your heart and ask your inner spirit to give you guidance. Trust whatever wisdom comes. Usually, the inner spirit uses simple words and brief phrases, rather than being complex and convoluted. Nuggets like “Just take one step at a time” often emerge.

That Capital S, Spirit, is a power bigger than you, bigger than me, that imbues us all. Some other names for Spirit are God, Jesus, Christ, Allah, The Universe, Source, and Higher Power. Whatever you choose to call it, when you need Kick-Ass Confidence, I encourage you to call on Spirit to help you. So you might pray. Or you might write poetry. Or you might even scream out, “Spirit, I need your help, now!” Tapping into unseen forces requires faith. Even if you have the tiniest sliver of faith, with patience, it will build. So will your confidence. Try speaking aloud or writing a wish or a prayer to Spirit, and see what magic happens.

When I took simple steps with these three elements — body, mind, and spirit — back in 2001, the chaos lifted. Instead of going back to work I hated, I had the confidence to pursue the psychology studies I’d always dreamed of, and eventually earned my PhD.

What will YOU do — in mind, body, or spirit — to have Kick-Ass Confidence? Share your commitment, so we can support you!

Simply yours,

What would YOU like to feel more confident about? I’ve  decided to write a whole month of blog posts on creating Kick-Ass   Confidence, from mid-September to mid-October. Each day, I’ll be sharing   stories, ideas, and practices for cultivating feel-it-in-your-bones,   deep-rooted, self-confidence. Get the whole series delivered to your email box, for free! Plus other fun goodies to help you boost your confidence. Subscribe now by clicking here.

I’ve been writing all about confidence. Like having the confidence to start a new job, feeling confident when you’re crying, and what I learned about confidence from a mountain of dirty dishes.

But the story I’m about to share with you is a doozie. I got hurt, I got angry, I got fired, and I got happy.

As I was working in the Esalen kitchen last month, challenged me. Since I’m under 5 feet tall, I had to ask for help. A lot. “Could you reach a colander for me, so I can wash these tomatoes, please?” or “Might I ask you to help me lift the peanut butter bucket?” Generally, my co-workers were friendly and accommodating.

I got hurt
About two weeks into my job, a senior staff member, whom I’ll call Paul, asked me to empty one of the coffee urns. Dinner time was fast approaching, and normally, the coffee is refreshed right beforehand. I hate admitting any weakness, but I looked at Paul and sheepishly said, “Um, I can’t lift those urns.” He glared at me, let out a big exhale of frustration, and walked off. I decided I’d better empty the urn.  A workshop participant saw me struggling to lift the urn off the coffee bar, and gave me a hand. I slowly took it to the sink, opened the top to empty the urn, and then realized I didn’t have sufficient leverage to pour it out safely. I accidentally poured hot coffee on my left forearm.

It took Paul a few minutes to notice that I was running my arm under cold water, wincing in pain. He took me over to the sink on the chef’s line, out of the constant flow of staff scurrying around to keep the dinner entrees stocked. The chef took notice, and asked how I was feeling. The burn hurt, so I let out some angry explicatives, like f*** and s**t. It struck me as odd that he went back to cooking, rather than asking what I needed or coming over to comfort me. So I got upset, put some ice in a plastic bag, and stormed out of the kitchen. Sitting outdoors, in the kitchen receiving area, one of our paid cleanup staff saw me and asked what had happened. When I explained how I’d been burned, he asked what he could do to help. “Tell the chef that I’m pissed and hurt and I don’t know what to do.”

The chef came out to see me, and immediately told me to go get medical assistance at the main gate. “They have this really great burn cream and I think you need that.” But oddly, he didn’t ask how I was feeling, or express any emotional concern. I marched myself to the gate, alone, and the staff there paged a nurse, who listened to my story, bandaged me up, and helped me feel a little more at ease.

I got angry
My shift had ended by the time I was patched up. I ate dinner with my fellow work scholars, and as I retold the story, I realized I was fuming mad at the chef, who had not shown me any empathy. I felt ignored. I was shocked at his utter ignorance of my feelings. He stuck only with the facts, that I needed a special burn gel at the gate. I would have liked to have someone walk me, uphill, to the gate, as I felt woozy and scared. But that didn’t happen.

Historically, I’ve hidden my anger. But I was at Esalen, and this was a month for me to try on new patterns. I was so fuming mad at the chef that I marched myself into the kitchen and said, “I need to talk to you. Now. Can we please go outside?” Remarkably, he came with me, and I prefaced an angry tirade with a warning, “I usually hold in my anger. But right now, I can’t. I don’t express anger well, so I’d like to ask forgiveness now if I seem unreasonably upset.

Then, I spewed anger as I told him that I did not like the delay in getting medical assistance, the apparent lack of care and concern shown when I got hurt, and particularly how he, the chef, had not shown any empathy, like saying, “I’m sorry this happened.” I felt a mix of seething rage and fear at how I was expressing my hot emotions. The chef replied “Hey, that’s your projection. Your expectations of me. Maybe you wanted the empathy and comforting, but you can’t demand that of me.”  I was shocked at his response, so much so that I did not know what to say. Ultimately, in what felt like a messy way, I told him how frustrated I was with working in the kitchen. How I hated having to ask for help so often. How I did not know what I was supposed to be doing a lot of the time. How I was overwhelmed with trying to remember where we stocked items. I went on and on about how the job was challenging me, mightily. Somehow, I found my kick-ass confidence to express myself, fully, even if I was feeling shaky on the inside.

I got fired
The next day, I looked at the burn on my arm, which was, thankfully, very minor, and decided I could work. During my morning shift, that same chef gathered all of the staff for a quick “check in,” a chance to find out how everyone was doing. Most other departments do that every day, but the kitchen had been so busy that we’d skipped a bunch of these check ins. When it was my turn, I expressed how upset I was about getting burned, and anxious I felt about the next day, when I would be washing dishes. Squeezing the hose’s sprayer taxed my hands, standing on a makeshift platform to reach the sink hurt my hips, and I was feeling too overwhelmed to handle the seemingly endless pots and pans that staff would dump into the sink, awaiting my cleansing powers. I hated complaining, but I took the risk to be honest. I had a kick-ass confidence about me.

Later that afternoon, the chef called me into the kitchen office. I figured I was in huge trouble. In a way, I got fired. I was told, very matter-of-factly “You’ll now be working in the Farm & Garden. Starting tomorrow. He pointed to Shirley, the Farm & Garden manager, and said, “You’ll like it. They do a check in every day in her department. And they meditate. It’s your kind of place.” He said nothing else, and then Shirley asked me to be at work, in grubby clothes, at 7 am, to be oriented.

I got happy
Hmm, let’s see. What happened? I got burned. Got angry. Decided to find my inner confidence and radiate it out, even if it didn’t look shiny, happy, polished, and sweet. No, I had an angry confidence. And to boost my confidence, I expressed my own reservations about the level of anger I was feeling. I was straightforward and, ultimately, powerful.

I don’t know, honestly, what transpired to move me from the Kitchen to the Farm & Garden. From what Esalen long-timers tell me, switching departments is a rarity, and the spots in the Farm & Garden are very limited. So I consider myself extremely lucky. If this had been another organization, the outcome of expressing myself so confidently (even if it was a shaky confidence) might have been different. I ultimately wound up loving the work in the dirt, being in nature, even though I really had some reservations about it. More on that in future blog posts…

So, how about you? When’s a time you let out the full force of your emotions, and let your kick-ass confidence rule the moment? How has being true to your emotions allowed you to be confident?

Fired up!

What would YOU like to feel more confident about? I’ve decided to write a whole month of blog posts on creating Kick-Ass Confidence, from mid-September to mid-October. Each day, I’ll be sharing stories, ideas, and practices for cultivating feel-it-in-your-bones, deep-rooted, self-confidence. Get the whole series delivered to your email box, for free! Plus other fun goodies to help you boost your confidence. Subscribe now by clicking here.

When I signed up to work in the kitchen at Esalen for the month of August, I knew full well that this would entail washing dishes.

Amazingly, the (seemingly) simple act of washing dishes gave me a new appreciation for building confidence.

My first day washing the dishes, in the dishwashing area, known as “the pond,”I braced myself for the task. Imagine a huge industrial sink, with two compartments each large enough to fit a very large double sink you might find in a home. At meal times, each of these was filled to overflowing with dishes, plus more dishes on the side of the sink. Large soup pots and huge 10 gallon buckets were placed on the floor, awaiting washing.

Just ten minutes into my first shift, I nearly keeled over from shock as I saw more dirty dishes than I’d ever seen before. Somehow, I got it into my head that, to keep up, I had to very quickly wash these nearly 150 pots, pans, serving trays. baking trays and serving utensils.

As the stream of new dishes kept coming, non-stop, I started to freak out. “Um, how am I supposed to do all of these?”  I muttered under my breath. The heat of the hot water I sprayed made me sweat. Physically. And emotionally. I could not possibly keep up and keep churning out clean dishes. I started telling myself, “You’re too slow. Someone else would do this faster.” That didn’t help. I was stressing out by trying to keep up with the onslaught of dirty dishes.

After about 20 minutes, a woman from the bakery arrived at the sink with an enormous plastic box, the size of a large foot locker. The box was covered in oats and honey. “I need this cleaned right away,” she said forcefully.

I buckled. Why did she have to bring me this dirty box right now? Couldn’t she see there was no space to wash something so big? Tears filled my eyes. I threw my arms up and walked away from the sink. I sat on a bench in the lodge and cried.

I had lost my confidence.

The chef on duty, Talia, came over to me, and said very gently, “Looks like the dishes got to you, eh?” She told me that this could be a stressful job for anyone, especially right after meals. It’s normal to feel flustered, she told me. And she let me know that the best way to handle the never-ending stream of dishes was not to go faster and faster, but to just wash one dish at a time. “Hey, I’m not saying this to humor you. It’s a hard job for many people. It’s OK for you to have a hard time with it.”

I took a deep breath, seeing with new perspective, and turned around my confidence. I went back to the dishes and decided to make it a spraying game. I changed my groove.

Here are three things you can do to create a new, more confident attitude

(1)  Celebrate what is working, instead of what’s not working.

I said to myself, “Hey, you cleaned another dish!” instead of “Look how many dishes you still have left.” Then, every dish became a little happy party. And over time, I had a lot of happy parties (including wet ones, from that soapy hose).

(2) Take the elevator down, and feel your feet. Get grounded.

The pressure I felt was really in my head, where I had invented a story about how fast I had to go. Instead, I deliberately drew my attention down into my feet. I made a point of feeling my feet as I washed the dishes. And soon, I stopped thinking and worrying so much. I started dancing with the kitchen music.

(3) Get inspired. Take a breath.

Instead of going faster and faster, I slowed down. I did that by breathing very intentionally. I felt the in breath and the out breath. I started to feel stronger as I washed the dishes. I became more powerful. As I focused on what I could control, my breath, I found myself more in control of the task at hand.

What have YOU done to create confidence? To turn around a stressful situation into one where you feel your own power?

Please share your stories and tips for creating confidence here on the blog. You can be confident that I’ll post back.

Here’s to washing clean,

What would YOU like to feel more confident about? I’ve decided to write a whole month of blog posts on creating Kick-Ass Confidence, from mid-September to mid-October. Each day, I’ll be sharing stories, ideas, and practices for cultivating feel-it-in-your-bones, deep-rooted, self-confidence. Get the whole series delivered to your email box, for free! Plus other fun goodies to help you boost your confidence. Subscribe now by clicking here.

I’ve been blogging about two subjects:  my summer sabbatical at the Esalen Institute, one of the places I most love to be in the world, and the topic of confidence.

So, I have a question for you. Can you feel confident, even when you’re crying?

Having spent ten years as a workshop participant and a workshop leader at Esalen, I imagined feeling really welcomed and supported as a work scholar. Maybe I’m too adorably cheerful about this personal growth retreat center, but I really thought that the folks in the kitchen would operate like a tight team. When I’ve visited before, I’ve heard the kitchen crew playing great music (and have been moved to wiggle my booty). I’ve seen them serve meals with a smile.

Well, the kitchen is a supremely busy place. Preparing nearly 1,000 meals a day, in a kitchen built nearly 50 years ago to accommodate about a third that volume, means that everyone is working in close quarters. I noticed that even though I would initiate pleasant conversations, “how was your evening?” the intensity meant that replies  were often brief. A lot of interactions were transactional, taking care of getting a piece of equipment, or cleaning a pot or pan. I had a personal insight: I feel more welcome (and more able to ask for help) when I can have a deeper connection. When I have mostly transactional “get-the-work-done” conversations, it’s harder for me to develop trust.

And trust is important in an environment where we play with knives and fire. So when it came to speaking up about my challenges in the kitchen, my confidence was oddly lacking. Since I’m under five feet tall, even on my tiptoes, I could not reach the colanders, stored on hooks high above a sink, or lift the 50-pound peanut butter bucket to replenish the bread bar, tasks that others seemed to be able to do with ease. How could I talk to people I barely knew about how difficult the work was for me? I wanted to speak up without whining, but kept finding myself saying, “I can’t do this.” Yet I had to ask for help.

My confidence came, in a big two-hour kitchen team meeting, about ten days after I started working, I spilled the beans. And spilled the tears. While sobbing, I discussed my frustration. I had a vision of myself as being able to do all the work, independently. Yet I had signed up to work in a group. And while others might not need help reaching and lifting, members of our big team revealed aspects of kitchen work that was hard for them. Whether it was the constant deadlines, the wide variety of music, the early mornings, I was not alone in needing support.

I might not have appeared confident, but when I finally said, “I need more help doing my tasks,” I said it with vigor and spirit. And I was seen as strong, not weak. So many of our crew of 24 told me they would happily help out. I just needed to ask. I simply needed to share, even with tears in my eyes, just the tiniest smidge of confidence, self-belief, and energy for my preferences. I created change. I made work easier for myself.

Soon, I felt the tears wash away the needless shame I had felt. The damp drops running down cleared out the self-flagellation I had imposed upon myself for not being able to work fully independently. When I finally opened my mouth and spoke my truth to the kitchen staff, I was seen, heard, understood, and even supported.

I believe you don’t have to look all put together to be confident.

So, what about you? Please share a time when you felt sad or angry or upset, and still expressed confidence…even if in a teeny or tearful way…

Let’s dialogue about what confidence can really, authentically, look like.

Confidently yours,

What would YOU like to feel more confident about? I’ve decided to write a whole month of blog posts on creating Kick-Ass Confidence, from mid-September to mid-October. Each day, I’ll be sharing stories, ideas, and practices for cultivating feel-it-in-your-bones, deep-rooted, self-confidence. Get the whole series delivered to your email box, for free! Plus other fun goodies to help you boost your confidence. Subscribe now by clicking here.

Starting a new job is a great way to test your confidence.

I spent the month of August as a work scholar at Esalen, a personal growth retreat center on the Big Sur, California coast. In exchange for dormitory housing, three scrumptious meals a day, a month-long self-development workshop, and time to soak in the hot tubs and take yoga and dance classes, I did physical labor 32 hours a week. My assignment was to the kitchen, where I would very definitely not cook. I’d clean the lodge. Chop vegetables. Wash dishes. Not exactly glamorous. Yet I knew I wanted to experiment with living in community for a month.

Something I didn’t count on was having my confidence tested.

I knew I needed to report to my first day of work in the kitchen at 6:45 am. I tend to be more of a night owl, so I tossed and turned my first going to bed in dorm room space at Esalen. I barely slept, in anticipation of actually being present for work at 6:45 am. At home, my alarm clock usually awakens me at 7:00 am. Getting to work on time would be a stretch.

During the limited sleep I did get, I had a nightmare. I dreamt that I awoke at 7:00 am and missed the directions for my new job. Unfortunately, actually played out! Somehow, I overslept my alarm, awakened at 6:40, threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, brushed my teeth, and zoomed down the hill to the lodge. Amazingly, I arrived at the orientation training at 6:50, decidedly dazed and disoriented.

Fortunately, the kitchen manager did not berate me, but in my own mind, I told myself, “Sheesh, Susan, what were you thinking? This is no way to start a new job!” I looked around at the knowing smiles from my fellow work scholars, all gathered around a table in the communal lodge, letting me know that they, too, were tired. Their warm glances helped me to regain my center. But I could feel the tension in my body, the frustration with my tardiness. So I deliberately focused some attention on my breath to re-center myself. I needed to listen to the orientation to discover what my new kitchen job was all about. Since I’ve been to Esalen many times over the last decade, I knew that breakfast was served at 8:30. Hmm…I figured I had, at most, a little over 90 minutes to stay present before I could take a break from concentration to fuel myself with the morning meal.

As a group, the newly appointed kitchen work scholars were shown around the kitchen. This is definitely not the kitchen in your house. It’s a commercial kitchen that prepares nearly a thousand meals a day. It has a dishwashing zone, three areas for preparing food, a zone with ovens and stoves and steam trays for cooking the food, and a bunch of areas to store ingredients, utensils, and tons of other supplies. It’s a lot to remember. One of the storage areas is nicknamed “Garth” and another one is called “Igor.” While they are labeled, I kept mixing them up. One has cold storage and the other has dry storage. Yet another area holds plastic containers, rice cakes, canned foods, napkins and dishrags, and granola, among other items. Keeping this all straight was going to be a challenge.

On our orientation day, the kitchen work scholars got a tour of the kitchen and were told what we’d be doing. I found out about the three major jobs: keeping the lodge looking great, washing the dishes, and helping the chef in whatever way was needed, which generally included chopping vegetables. That first day, we did nothing hands-on until right before lunch, when I would get to wipe down tables and chop some vegetables. With so much explanation and not enough chances for me to try things out, I started getting confused. My confidence in myself dropped. I wished someone had told me to bring a paper and pen to keep all the incoming information straight, but none of the other work scholars had these either. I started to question my mind. “How are all these other people retaining what they’re hearing? Maybe I’m getting old and my memory is shot?” I found my stomach churning, and decided to stop questioning myself.

On Day 1, which fell on a Monday, my only responsibility was to listen and stay as alert as I could. During our kitchen tour, the staff showed us where the schedules were posted. Oooh! I had Tuesday off! That would be fun. I could relax. Do what I wanted. Wow, time to myself to play — that would be great! And then, when I came in on Wednesday, I would be working for the chef. That sounded great.

Until I realized that I had so much to remember that taking a day off in between would leave me open to forgetting everything I had heard.

Which, mostly, I did.

I retained so little of what I’d learned on my orientation day that when I walked in for my first shift, I forgot where to find the apron I was expected to wear. The chef had to remind me to wash my hands. And when she asked me to cut some carrots, I confessed to her, “Um, I don’t know where the carrots are.”

I wanted to hit my head, Homer Simpson style, and say “DOH!” How silly of me to say what I didn’t know. Why didn’t I simply ask, “Could you kindly remind me where to find the carrots?”

Hmm, this getting acquainted with a new job was going to tax my confidence, even in seemingly small ways.

That first working day, I had to ask where to find ladles, knives, pans, seasonings, and so much more. I was not sure how long tasks were supposed to take, nor when I needed to have them completed, or what task would be next. I found myself near tears at least a few times, until I realized that it was my expectation of myself that I be some kind of expert. I had to consciously allow myself to be a beginner, but my perfectionistic tendencies reared their ugly self-deprecating claws and tore at my confidence.

I secretly wished that some wise kitchen staff member would take me aside and say, “This job takes a while to learn. Give yourself the time to learn it. No one expects much of you.” That did happen, nearly a week later, when I had a full-on melt-down, which I’ll share with you in a future blog post.

For now, I want to say that starting a new job (or a new project, or a new relationship, or anything unfamiliar) can tax your confidence. It’s so vital to give yourself permission to be a beginner. To make mistakes. To not know things. To be easy on yourself. And that’s easier said than done.

I’m curious to know what you’ve done to boost your confidence when you take on a new endeavor? Would you kindly share some of your best confidence-builders, so we can all benefit? I promise to post back and acknowledge your wisdom.

Exploring confidence together with you,

What would YOU like to feel more confident about? I’ve decided to write a whole month of blog posts on creating Kick-Ass Confidence, from mid-September to mid-October. Each day, I’ll be sharing stories, ideas, and practices for cultivating feel-it-in-your-bones, deep-rooted, self-confidence. Get the whole series delivered to your email box, for free! Plus other fun goodies to help you boost your confidence. Subscribe now by clicking here.