I have a confession.

I’ve been a stress case.

That’s hard to admit. Especially since I work with people to help them come alive at work. I do love coaching people, on a one on one basis, about their work. And I’ve been feeling more and more confident about my ability to help people truly light up at work. My head and heart both trust the effectiveness and transformational value of  the unique ways that I help people to conceive of work that fits them. So now, I’m quite hungry to expand my reach and impact so I can touch more people. That has meant teaching more group programs, writing, speaking in as many venues as possible, and influencing larger groups. Doing all these new activities has involved learning how to use webinar software, getting on the phone to talk to organizations and businesses about helping them, discovering how I can best describe what Work from Within is all about, and generally stepping out in the world in a much bigger way. Most of the time, learning these new skills and approaches to marketing Work from Within and my philosophies and practices has been fun. But it’s time consuming, and I’m prone to rush myself and demand results (dare I say, money) rather quickly. I’ve been impatient for success. I want it on my timeline, darn it!

All this effort lead me from stress toward burnout. I started recognizing the shift from becoming angry and frustrated at my circumstances to feeling resigned. For example, I would try to learn how to use webinar software, and somehow I’d lose my participants into the Internet ether (oops!). I’d feel enraged at the software and embarrassed at not being a perfect presenter. Then the nasty voice of Little Miss Perfect would scream in my head, and I’d berate myself for not getting familiar enough with the tools I needed to make the webinar hum along.

Over the course of a few months, I started to think: “I just don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not a celebrity yet, like Oprah or Suze Orman. Who am I to help people learn to come alive at work? I’ve been running Work from Within for five years. So why am I not on TV yet? Why haven’t I written a book, let alone published it? What am I doing wrong? Maybe I should just give up…”

My body began to feel heavy as a boulder, sluggish as a slug, mentally foggy like the June Gloom that hangs over the Pacific Coast, and downright stomp-my-feet-and-shake-my-fist irritable.  I remembered the difference between stress and burnout. Stress is about feeling over engaged and anxious. When you hit burnout, you’re likely to become disengaged, hopeless, and depressed. I was headed for the latter. After weeks and weeks of this experience, a lightbulb went off in my head:  Perhaps my ideas about failing and taking too long to make an impact aren’t true. Maybe I’ve been seeing my circumstances through a distorted lens, a narrow angle.

I resolved to shift my energy. I’m all about maximizing Return On Life Energy (ROLE), so I knew I needed to take action to build up my energy stores. I started with getting checked out by the practitioners at the Acupuncture and Complementary Medicine clinic in Berkeley, because I love that Chinese medicine is all based on life energy (which the Chinese call qi, and which Indians call prana). It’s been a process of replenishing my energy stores. I’ve gone from depletion to stagnation to amplification to expansion. Instead of feeling exhausted and irritable, in the course of six weeks, I’m now feeling mellow, flowing, and full of ease. And filled with gratitude for my life and the beauty in the world, sensing the joy of simple things, like the warmth of the mug of my wild sweet orange tea to the playful chatter of the birds in my magnolia tree.

Something else that helped my renewal, something counterculture:  I decided to follow my body’s instinct for rest. I booked a retreat at one of my favorite places on the planet, the Esalen Institute, on the Big Sur coast (I’ll be teaching a workshop at Esalen from December 5 to 10), with it’s warming sulfur hot springs, the crash of the waves of the Pacific Ocean against high cliffs, and the magical landscape with its rainbow of flowers, stands of gracious trees and cradle of rugged mountains.

To renew myself sense of self, I enrolled in an Esalen workshop with performance artist extraordinaire, Nina Wise, who created a practice called Motion Theater, a form of autobiographical improvisation. To me, learning Motion Theater was like finding self-transformational storytelling. Our group of ten women played theatre games (like forming ourselves into shapes and riffing off each others stories), meditated (in creative ways, including with singing), stretched, danced, and learned to tell our personal stories, rich with detail and grounded in sensory experience. Most importantly, the combination of verbal and non-verbal activities re-started my energy. By immersing myself fully in play and presence, I got back in touch with myself. Hallelujah!

If you find yourself sliding into stress, catch yourself and find your antidote. And if you’re slipping into burnout, or you’ve already landed there, stop pushing yourself. Your body, mind, spirit and emotions are telling you that what you’re doing needs to shift. It’s time to give yourself a break for relaxation, restoration, renewal, rejuvenation.

Based on my week at Esalen, and my personal discoveries, I’d like to share some suggestions for shifting out of stress and burnout and back into your essence, your true self, the quiet internal place that is you, no matter what.  Please feel free to take only what feels good, and trust your intuition to modify any of these ideas so they fit you:

Rest. I can be a work machine. That go-go-go behavior got ingrained in me during my tenure in management consulting, when I sometimes worked 80 to 100 hours a week. These days, I think that’s insane. It’s all push, no pull. In other words, I used to make myself do work, rather than feeling drawn or inspired to do it. When we’re stressed, we often push ourselves hard. But that push, push, shove, move forward, go, go, go energy is only one way of being. You are not a machine. You cannot keep up an unrelenting pace indefinitely. Staying up late, working around the clock, denying yourself breaks…this is a recipe for a breakdown. Instead, give yourself the gift of rest. Of doing nothing. Or doing only those things that are pleasurable. Not just satisfying, but truly nourishing. Make the choice to feed yourself what you truly want, which very well may be peace and quiet.

Relax your efforts. Before taking this retreat, I had been working for months without a break, staying up until 11 or 12 at night to reply to emails, plan a workshop, update my website. So much effort! In physics, effort equals work. But work — as in your career, your livelihood — need not be full of hard effort, at least not all of the time. Notice how hard you are trying, and reduce the effort. Here’s one way to do this: Start by doing something that comes very, very naturally to you. Like walking. Or talking on the phone with a friend. As you’re doing this easy, natural activity, become aware of your body and where you hold tension and tightness. Then, do an activity that you don’t do so easily. Not the hardest thing, but something that you have to pay attention to do, and where perhaps you have less skill. Like for me, that’s riding my bike downhill. I have to concentrate. I’m afraid I’ll fall. I can do it, but I have not yet mastered it. How do you feel, in your body, when you do this activity that you’re still mastering? Where are you tight? Where are you loose? Your clamped jaw, your shoulders that come up near your ears…these are all signs of added effort. What can you say to yourself (like “I’m starting to get the jist of this”), and how can you modify the activity (like doing less of it, or only a portion of it, or slowing it down) and particularly your expectations of yourself (maybe telling yourself “It’s OK to be a beginner, and to make mistakes”), so that you can feel more ease?

Reconnect with people who care about you. I’ve been going to Esalen for nearly a decade now, so in that time, I’ve made a lot of friends there. Having them ask about me, getting to spend time with them, catching up…these are all nurturing. I feel seen and appreciated by people who know me. In times of stress and burnout, we need to have people around us who will support us. Who might you like to have around you to support you? You might call a friend and ask to have an hour to just share what’s happening. You could get some friends together and have a “dump your problems in the garbage” ritual, writing down what’s bugging you, reading your list aloud with feeling and emphasis, and then ripping up your list and throwing it in a collective trash can or fire. Then, make a resolution to do one thing, just one for now, that can make you feel better. And report back to the group when you’ve done it, either in person, by email, or by phone. Connect to yourself by connecting with others who are willing and able to help you regain yourself.

Spend time in nature. The rhythms in nature tend to be so different than our man-made mechanistic rhythms of cars and traffic and TV show and meetings and all the scheduled, pre-planned activities, and the constant onslaught of information. Nature is slower, organic, cycling and shifting. Nature is not like the airbrushed superstars we see in magazines and attempt to emulate. It’s raw and honest, the apple that has been pierced by a worm looking for food, the jagged leaf that’s asymmetrical, the birds that do not fly on a preordained flight plan like airliners but flit from tree to tree as they feel called to explore and as the need arises for food and shelter. Nature reminds us to slow down, to get back in touch with our innate instincts and impulses, to trust the flow of life. Immerse yourself in Nature’s rhythms, and you’re bound to have your own reflected back to you.

Turn down your mind and turn up your innate, embodied impulses. When I’m being very verbal — even if it’s replying email — I’m up in my head. And if you’re anything like me, your head can be a dangerous playground, with the broken carousel of repetitive negative thoughts and the teeter totter of self-talk alternately flinging you between self-aggrandizement and self-deprecation. I often tell people to “take the elevator down,” suggesting that they move from their heads to the rest of their bodies. Give yourself time to explore and play non-verbally. Perhaps you will put on music and just move your body in whatever ways feel good, without thinking of the moves you’ll make. You could shake your body like a ragdoll for a few minutes and shake out the cobwebs. You might slither on the floor like a snake and then roll and ooze. You could move your hands like they are talking, which is an activity Nina Wise suggests in her book,  A Big New Free Happy Unusual Life. Listen to what you need, what feels satisfying, and nurture yourself the way a mother nurtures a baby: with touch, rhythm, and movement.

Open your heart. When we’re stressed our burned out, often we’ve neglected our hearts. We are so hell-bent on achieving success, so determined to do what’s right and good, so focused on making money or getting that promotion…and our hearts are suffering from being left out of the conversation about our needs. Needs? Hah, we think, it’s needy to have needs. No, actually, it’s not. Our heart’s desires deserve our attention. Set aside 10 to 15 minutes. Get quiet and put a hand on your heart. Ask your heart, “what do you need?” Be patient, and listen to the answers. Write them down. Follow the most compassionate or most nourishing replies first, like the ones that tell you “Give yourself a hug.”

In every moment, you can add ease and joy to your life by reducing the effort, doing what feeds you, and reducing the activities and situations that deplete you. Bit by bit, day by day, your practice of minimizing your energy drains and maximizing your energy gains will deliver you into a life and livelihood that works for you. That way of living does not come from being hard and harsh with yourself, but rather from relaxing, restoring, renewing, rejoicing, and rejuvenating, as needed. It’s just what the doctor ordered.

Love from Dr. Bernstein!

Susan

I’m angry at Mitchum. Yep. The deodorant people.

Not because I use their deodorant. I don’t. It’s way too manly for me.

I’m angry at Mitchum because they are glorifying the Puritanical work ethic with a new contest that they have, The Hardest Working _______ in America. They ask people to submit videos of themselves working super hard. You might be the hardest working cattle rancher, baker, coach, florist, physical therapist. These don’t even have to be physical laborers. For example, they include a woman who’s a web entrepreneur.

I believe it’s possible to get creative and work smarter and enjoy your life and livelihood much, much more. And I’ll share some ideas about doing that so that you get to imagine them for yourself. But please, if you take anything away from what I’m sharing, it’s that you do not have to kill yourself at work.

So really: What is so right and so virtuous about working so hard? Granted, some of the people that Mitchum’s showing clearly love their work. And I applaud that. But not at the expense of overall well-being. Too many hours at work is just plain draining. In Mitchum’s contest, some of the participants clearly look like they are “slugging it out.” Many of the people they show in their promotional video must be working so hard that they have no time for exercise, because they are quite overweight. Sorry, but that’s no good for your body, mind, or spirit. Can all of these folks truly be happy? I doubt it.

Why must we glorify knocking ourselves out at work? Americans seem to have an obsession with working hard, demonstrating our strength, and just plain working our noses to the grindstone and running ourselves into the ground.

I know a thing or two about pushing myself to work hard. Back in the mid 1990s, I was a management consultant. My colleagues and I seemed to think that it was completely normal to work 80 hours a week. I was expected to bill a minimum of 50 hours each week. So when I worked 100 hour work weeks, which did on occasion, I’d be exhausted, but it was like I earned a badge of courage. Secretly, I was downright ecstatic when I only had to work 60 hours a week, but I also felt guilty, like I wasn’t contributing my share.

Rare was the day at work when my shoulders did not ache. I simply attributed that pain to sitting at the computer for six to ten hours a day.  Nausea and digestive pains were my frequent companions, and their impact seemed more forceful when I was staffed on a project out of town.  At the time, I simply rationalized the intestinal aches away by assuming they were caused by eating hotel and restaurant food, instead of my own home-cooked meals.


About three years into my time in management consulting, I was involved in a car accident. As I drove home from San Francisco International Airport, returning from a client engagement in Southern California, I was rear-ended by a drunk driver.  Although the accident was not serious, I started getting painful migraine headaches immediately afterwards.  My doctor wanted to run diagnostic tests, but I would not allow it.  I was determined to show how tough I could be.  I was not going to let mere headaches keep me from working on what I thought was an extremely important client project, one that seemed to assure me a promotion!  Then, two weeks after the car accident, I passed out in front of a group of clients.  The pain in my head was overwhelming, so I literally fainted while making a presentation. The project team took me to the hospital to check my health.

I ignored the migraine symptoms, continuing to push through them so that I secure a promotion, even if I was conflicted about moving ahead at the firm.  To my project team and to myself, I pretended. I acted as if I was fine.  Fortunately, when I received a doctor’s orders to take a month off from work to relax and recuperate, the managing partner of my office insisted that I follow his professional guidance.

Deep down, I felt torn. On the one hand, I wanted to demonstrate to my project team that I was as strong as everyone else, and that I could fit into the workaholic culture by continuing to work.  Yet on the other hand, I also wished I could simply find work that was more fun, or that I could even stop working for a period.

I ultimately took the medical leave, and I’m so thankful I did. I got back in touch with my body. I got clear that I wanted to work less and enjoy more. And since then, I’ve always found ways to do that, including ways that make plenty of money, thank goodness.

So, how do YOU do work that fits, and not knock yourself out in the process?

(1) Talk to people who are doing work that they love. Ask them what they love about their work. Ask them how they got into it. Listen to their journey. Almost no one goes from frustration to freedom overnight. It’s a process. Find out how people talk to themselves, how they overcame obstacles, how they motivated themselves. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

(2) Read Tim Ferris’ book, The Four Hour Work Week. This book is a game changer. It sounds absurd, especially if you’ve been working more than 40 hours a week. But stick with it. He has great ideas for how to make work as much fun and easy as possible. He has ideas both for making your current job easier, and for launching a product that you can sit back and watch make money. Ah, passive income!

(3) Read a recent article from Bloomberg/Businessweek about Working on the Waterfront. Yes, people really do work at the beach. If a serious business publication is giving you ideas on how to get a tan while you work, why not investigate? Or do you really want to sit in your cubicle day after day, turning pastier white by the second?

Seriously, though, I’m committed to helping people find ease, engagement, and enrichment from their work. What are YOU going to do to find those qualities in your work?

Working well,

Susan

I’m thrilled to introduce you to Maddy Dychtwald, my guest blogger for this post. Maddy is a nationally recognized author, demographer, public speaker and entrepreneur.  She has spent nearly twenty-five years deeply involved in exploring and forecasting demographic, lifestyle and consumer marketing trends.

Maddy’s new book, Influence: How Women’s Soaring Economic Power Will Transform Our World for the Better, is being released today, May 4. If you care about transforming the world through more feminine energies, I absolutely recommend this book! It’s a powerful argument, based on changes in our world, that shows the ways that women are making positive impacts. It includes stories of women who have big visions and big hearts. I was very fortunate to read an advance copy and was dazzled to find women I truly admire, such as Priya Haji of World of Good, and Deborah Szekely of The Golden Door and Rancho La Puerta, profiled for their visions and values.

So, here’s what Maddy’s shared with you:

It’s a curious thing, how a change so massive can still take us by surprise.

100 years ago, telephones were scarce, TVs not invented, and apples just a tasty fruit. Women couldn’t vote, and in many countries, couldn’t even own property, especially if they were married.

But for all the technological and political change the world has seen in the past century, the single most powerful economic change has not been caused by technology or the rise of developing nations. It’s been created by women.

Over the past two decades, “women have contributed more to global GDP growth than have either new technology or…China or India,” wrote the Economist in 2006. Today, the average American family has two cars, many TVs and countless technological toys. We couldn’t afford half those luxuries without the power of the working women.

And yet, it still astonishes me how invisible this massive change seems. In the U.S, we take for granted that women work—but we don’t consider child care a tax-deductible business expense. We know that women work harder and longer than men, when you count all that cooking, cleaning and laundry—but most poor people in the U.S. (and globally) are women. We see a few women at the top of corporations and many in the middle, but most women still earn just 77 cents for every dollar a man does in a similar job, even when controlling for education and experience.

In short, although women’s economic power has grown enormously, we often don’t take notice. Why? Because, to date, little of that economic power has translated into social or political influence. We’re earning money, but it still feels like a man’s world. This is especially true in the United States, which lags far behind other nations on global indices of gender equality. Women are 20% of elected officials, 11% of business leaders, just 3 percent of Fortune 500 CEOs, and only minor figures in the media that covers them — “female bylines at major magazines are still outnumbered by seven to one”, write Newsweek’s Jessica Bennett, Jesse Ellison and Sarah Ball.

But all that’s finally starting to change. After decades of building up our earning power, hoarding our economic force, we’re about to spend our capital. Slowly at first, but with increasing speed, women are unleashing their influence on the world. Maybe it’s by having dad pick up the kids, maybe it’s by making a microloan to a woman half a world away, but gradually, small changes are accumulating, like a thousand water drops seeping, creeping, eroding a mighty mountain. Together, we’re reshaping our world from a man’s world to, eventually, a partnership society that, one day, will work as well for women as men.

My co-author, Christine Larson, and I started following those changes in our book INFLUENCE: How Women’s Soaring Economic Power Will Transform Our World for the Better, which Hyperion publishes this May. But things are changing far faster than any book can follow, especially given the long lead time of the publishing industry.

So, we’re going to track those changes here, minute by minute, showing how women are starting to use their influence to change the world.

Please help me. I want to know how you’re using your economic influence—to educate your daughter, to reinvent the division of labor in your house or at your company, to help other people around the world.

If you get a high-ranking job with a big, prestigious firm, and a salary that’s many times the national norm, will that make you happy?

I had a job like that. Right after completing my MBA at UC Berkeley, I felt so proud of myself to land a job in management consulting with Andersen Consulting, which is now Accenture (no, not Arthur Andersen, the former parent company who was ruined by the Enron scandal). My post-MBA salary was almost five times higher than my pre-MBA salary, so I was elated. Not that I’d planned to become a management consultant when I went to business school. I either thought I’d go into international trade (I’d started off in a dual-degree program with an MA in Asian Studies that I ultimately dropped) or human resources (I’d come from the world of corporate training and still wanted to develop shiny, happy employees).

So, here’s the thing: Despite Accenture’s big brand name, the name dropping I would do of Fortune 500 clients, being able to tell my friends that I knew the CEO of such-and-such a company, earning elite flyer status with all the miles I accumulated on multiple airlines, and my super-smart colleagues…I was MISERABLE.

I had to hide how much I hated the long hours, because we were supposed to brag about those, like a badge of courage. I never told anyone that I thought the work was boring, and I promptly stopped telling people that I was eager to teach my clients how to do the kind of analysis I was doing for them, because I discovered that we actually profited when clients hired us back for multiple engagements. I was interested in building personal relationships, so I was disappointed when I was placed on a new project every two to three months, and just started to feel like a cog in a wheel. Maybe it was an important wheel.

When I’d consider quitting, friends would say, “But you make so much money! How can you even think of leaving?” I kept telling myself, “You’re lucky to have a job like this! It was so competitive to get in! And you made it! Why would you leave? Keep up this work and you’re on track to make partner, and then you’ll be making MILLIONS!”

It wasn’t until after I collapsed, yes, literally fell backwards, right in front of clients during a meeting, totally spent from exhaustion and killer headaches, that I decided I really needed to leave that job. But oooh, that seductive money.

For me, I’ve discovered that living more simply has given me more freedom over how I manage my time. I love being a coach and setting my own hours. I only work Tuesday to Thursday, for example. In management consulting, I was always answering to the firm. If they wanted me in Detroit the next day, then I’d be packing my bags. (Luckily, I didn’t have to go to Detroit, but I did get a call on a Sunday night to be in Seattle the next day, and my raincoat was at the dry cleaners. How lucky — it didn’t rain that week!)

But that’s me. I’m wondering about you and others. So I started poking around, wondering…does money bring happiness?

Gretchen Rubin, who wrote the book The Happiness Project, says that a LACK of money CAN bring unhappiness. If you’re reading this, you’re probably doing well enough that you’re not living on the street. Rubin reminds us that if we’re not feeling good about money, we can count our blessings, get distracted doing something fun or interesting; find ways to assert control over your situation (even small things like cleaning out a closet); spending time with friends; or do something to help someone else.

In a recent blog post for the Huffington Post, she says that whether money will make you happen depends on a few things:

* What kind of person you are: What do you want to own? Do you have kids or dependent parents? Do you have expensive hobbies? Do you like to travel? These circumstances and choices will impact your feelings around money.

* How you spend your money: Consider which of your purchases over the last year has brought you the most happiness. What if you make choices bearing in mind your happiness? Would you prefer to have a big-screen TV that lets you sit around and watch movies with friends, or would you get more happiness out of a membership at a gym, where you can meet people, get fit, and feel great? The gym membership might actually cost less and give you greater long-term satisfaction.

* How much money you have relative to the people around you, and relative to your own experience: We’re social creatures, prone to compare ourselves with others. While that’s not ideal, perhaps it’s hard to shift that. But if you can, be grateful for what you do have, as that will at least put you in a good mood, instead of focusing on what you don’t have.

I’m also fascinated with this study that Rubin cites. Let me ask it to you as a question:

Which do you prefer?

Choice one: A job where you’re paid $30,000 in Year 1 $40,000 in Year 2, and $50,000 in Year 3

OR

Choice two: A job that pays $60,000 in Year 1, then $50,000 in Year 2 and then $40,000 in Year 3?

Most people prefer Choice 1, with its raises. But, at the end of the three years, you would have earned only $120,000 instead of $150,000, with Choice 2, which actually offers $30,000 more in compensation! Interesting how caught up most of us are in getting more, more, more, especially in money, which is measurable. But happiness? More elusive.

Another tidbit to consider, from Rob Baedeker, writing for SFGate:  If you live in the San Francisco Bay Area, the median income is $50,000 a year. Last year, Oracle CEO Larry Ellison made $84.5 million dollars. Larry Ellison’s compensation was 1690 times more than the average person in the Bay Area. Did he work that many times more than you? Obviously not! Is he that many times happier than you? Hmm…almost certainly not.

So what does income mean in terms of personal satisfaction?

Jean Chatzky, the financial editor for NBC’s “Today Show,” tells us that the amount of money required to “live comfortably” varies by region. She surveyed Americans’ attitudes about money and found that “once you’ve got enough to put food on the table, gas in the car, go out to movies occasionally and go on the occasional vacation, more money doesn’t make you happier.” The point of diminishing happiness returns she found was about $60,000 per household, annually.

Baedeker also cites research by called Justin Wolfers, associate professor of business and public policy at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School of Business, who says “If you look for evidence that there’s some level above which money is unrelated to happiness, you simply can’t find it. Using American data, [from sources such as Gallup polls], it’s true that people earning $50,000 are happier than those earning $25,000, people earning $100,000 are happier than those earning $50,000, and people earning $200,000 are happier than those earning $100,000.”

He explains what he and his Wharton colleague, Betsy Stevenson have found: “It’s what we call a linear log relationship,” What does this mean?  “At any point in the income scale, a 10 percent rise in income buys the same rise in happiness.”

And the Wharton professors have found this formula holds cross-nationally, too. “A 10 percent rise in income for someone in Burundi buys about the same change in happiness as a 10 percent rise for people in the U.S.,” says Wolfers. “That’s the sense in which we say there’s no evidence of satiation. There’s no evidence of it running out at income level whatsoever.”

So, maybe there’s no way to find long-term satisfaction with money. We’ll always want more. So, all the more reason to focus on maximizing your ROLE, your Return on Life Energy. Put your time and energy into what you love. Then, at least you control the interest you get back. You get to feel the appreciation, including self-appreciation.

Celebrating your infinite investments in yourself,

Susan

I love telling happy stories. And this is one of them, about one of my former clients.

It’s delicious, too. Your mouth might start watering, so you’re forewarned…

Back in September of 2008, I hosted an event called “Follow a More Authentic Career Path“  and invited six people who’d made major career changes to talk about how they did it. (In fact, you can order the audio of the event here and listen to Ande’s wisdom, and five other career changers).

Ande Scheinker was one of the panelists. Ande had been an event planner. Hated it. She wasn’t sure what was next when she came to me as a client. Over time, she decided to call herself a “culinary explorer,” because she so loved being in the kitchen and being around food. She baked. A lot. Sometimes, she’d send me pictures of her creations. This was both fun and troublesome. Her pictures can make you drool. Worse, they can ruin a diet, unless you have iron-clad willpower. I don’t.

Ande was, like many clients, worried that she wasn’t changing careers fast enough. I wish I had a dollar for every time someone tells me, “I’m moving too slowly in this transition.” I’d have enough…to buy a car maybe? No, probably not. But still, I want to say “No, no, no. You’re making this transition on YOUR timing. YOUR rhythm. YOUR pace. Just keep listening inside, and you’ll sense what’s next.”

Last week, I received an email from Ande:

Hi Susan,

I hope this email finds you well!  I wanted to update you on a few things that are going on with me…I have some exciting news.

First – I’ve enrolled in pastry school.  I’ll begin a six-month pastry course at Tante Marie here in SF on March 29th.  I’m really thrilled about this next step – it just feels really right.

And for fun, I wanted to tell you that I’m competing in the upcoming edition of SF Food Wars.  This time around, the theme is chocolate cookies.  Fun, fun!  I just found out I was accepted to compete today.   Here’s a bit more info: http://sffoodwars.com/2010/02/the-chocolate-cookie-situation/

I’ve actually never even attended any of the SF Food Wars – but I hear they’re a blast.

Anyhoo – just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that things are going well on my end.  Hope all is well with you.

Thanks for everything,

xoxo Ande

Yes, this is a real email. I share it to make a few points:

First, almost everyone I know has fears of making change, and to be successful, you have to work through those fears. Ande’s had plenty of fears, including the fears that what she cooked would not turn out well. Amazing. Take one look at all the cooking she’s done, and you’d wonder how someone like Ande can even have that fear. Well, she’s just more accustomed to just being with the fear than ever before.

I was reminded by my friend, Tarra Christoff, that “Success is just outside your comfort zone.” To me, that means that you have to give yourself permission to feel a bit uncomfortable, awkward, goofy, confused, if you’re going to be able to navigate changes. You know, if you’re used to being all neat and tidy and organized (like I tend to want to be), then you’ll have to relax the tension you place on yourself to do things “just right.”

How can you demand of yourself that you do something well (or fast) if you’ve never done it before? Sounds silly when you’re standing outside the experience. But when you’re in it, you really can push hard on yourself.  Be gentle with yourself. Tell that part of your mind that’s criticizing you to take a break. It’s not helping. Really.

Second, change takes time. Duh. Yeah, you know this. But most of us only know this intellectually. Are you impatient with yourself? Do you tell yourselves to “hurry up?” and berate yourself when you’re going slow? Please be good and gracious with yourself as you get insights into “what’s next.”

Third, the important thing, as you navigate change, is to keep following your energy gains. It’s a huge gain for Ande to bake. So, over time, she’s taken baking classes and done tons of experiments in her own kitchen. One of my energy gains is writing, and I’m finally, finally, past the dissertation and am writing a book proposal. (Hmm, did you notice my judgment about how long it’s taken me to get over my dissertation?).

What activities or situations fill you with energy? How can you give yourself more time to experiment along those lines?

I’m really energized and excited to taste Ande’s latest creations at The Chocolate Cookie Situation on March 21st in San Francisco.  Mmm…but, too bad, tix are sold out.  Maybe you can view Ande’s Twitter stream and see if she knows about some special way to get more? In the meantime, you can drool over her cookie (and other) creations on her Flickr stream…oooh….aaah….mmm…

Congratulations, Ande!

Scrumptiously yours,

Susan

Are you fed up with your work? You know, frustrating colleagues, angry managers, ugly offices, unreasonable deadlines, massive bureaucracies, never-ending meetings…these things can drive you crazy.

Well, you’re not alone! Have you noticed that other people around you just want to throw in the towel at work?

I say “ARGH!” (Not very articulate…just ultra frustrating!)

World at Work recently reported on a study by The Conference Board:
The report, based on a survey of 5,000 U.S. households conducted for The Conference Board by TNS, found that only 45% of those surveyed said they are satisfied with their jobs, down from 61.1% in 1987, the first year in which the survey was conducted.

“While one in 10 Americans is now unemployed, their working compatriots of all ages and incomes continue to grow increasingly unhappy,” says Lynn Franco, director of the Consumer Research Center of The Conference Board. “Through both economic boom and bust during the past two decades, our job satisfaction numbers have shown a consistent downward trend.”

So, what’s causing this frustration with work? My answer may surprise you.

I don’t think it’s just that we have crummy managers and unattractive offices. It’s not just that tasks can be boring.

The big reason I believe job satisfaction tends to be low:  We give our control for our careers over to other people.

I talk to hundreds of people about their work every month. And when I ask them, “How did you come to be doing the work you’re doing?” I hear over and over again:

• I fell into my work
• I stumbled into my work
• Someone (my boss, my parent, my spouse) told me I should do my work
• Someone told me I shouldn’t do the thing I really love
• I figured that if I did what I love, I’d be a starving… (you fill in the blank…artist, musician, chef, etc.) so I just gave in and did something to pay the bills

Are you guilty of one of these? I was. My first week of college at the University of Arizona, I called home (a collect call, on the dorm’s hallway payphone) to my father and told him that I’d declared a major.  “What did you declare?” my dad asked.  “Psychology!” I exclaimed, breathlessly excited. I knew my passion. I’d be studying it.

Then came the silence. I waited. And waited. And waited for my father to say something. “Dad? Dad? Are you still there?” I begged to know, panicked about his lack of enthusiasm.

“Susan, you’ll never make any money until you get to the PhD level.”

Those words were sufficiently frightening to me, at the tender age of 18, to send me in a new academic direction. I studied Economics and Marketing. I sacrificed my passion for money. I did that for most of my career. And slowly but surely, the life energy was draining out of me, until finally, in 2001, I decided that I didn’t want to be a 70 year-old woman before I studied my first love. I wasn’t 100% sure what I’d do with my studies, but my heart was calling to me.

We so often leave our hearts out of our decisions about our careers. This is a recipe for disappointment. Work will ultimately become a dirty four-letter word if your heart’s not in it.

What can you do about increasing your job satisfaction?

1. Take back control. Instead of surrendering your control to well-meaning friends, co-workers, managers, spouses, family members, listen to your heart.

Ask your heart:

• What are you needing more of?
• What are you hungry for?
• What do you truly want to express to the world?

Be patient. If you’ve not listened to your heart in a long time, it may be shy or reluctant to share. Or, it may be itching to talk to you. Get a journal and write down whatever comes. Trust your heart. Listen to your gut. Then, put your mind in the service of your heart (and your gut, and all your inner wisdom, even in your little pinky toes).

2.  Take baby steps. Most of us try to make change too quickly, honestly. I know, I know, we feel like we’ve gotta have that new job now. Or we have to make everything all better in one felt swoop.

I would ask you:  What’s ONE thing you could try out doing differently this week? Here are some ideas for first steps:

• Frustrating colleagues? Plan a conversation to clear the air and start fresh. Put it on the calendar. Then prepare by reading about a subject like Marshall Goldsmith’s non-violent communication so you have a model for communicating effectively.
• Angry manager? Read a great book like Douglas Stone & Bruce Patton’s Difficult Conversations so you know how to talk to your manager. Find something to do to let go of the anger, like taking a walk or writing in a private journal.
• Ugly office? Bring in a vase and fresh flowers. Put up a photo that pleases you.
• Unreasonable deadlines? Prioritize all of your projects, so you know what’s most important.Write a workplan and discuss it with your manager. If you can show that you’d need to work an incredible number of hours, look for solutions to eliminate or shorten steps, delegate portions, or create time-off after you put in a big push of work.
• Massive bureaucracies? Find experts in your organization who’ve mastered the art of getting things done – take them to lunch and pick their brains, so you learn how to do it.
• Never-ending meetings? Suggest trying out stand-up meetings as leader Bob Schoultz suggests. Most people will go faster if they’re not sitting down.

3. Believe that great work is possible. Many of us block ourselves with expressions like “work sucks” and “well, this is as good as it gets” or “I can just suffer through this.” Do you really want work that fits you? Then I believe you must craft your “work from within,” for if you do not believe, deep within yourself, that this is possible, you will sabatoge your possibilities for great work.

Great work is not just an idea. When you have great work, you embody it. So take charge, and follow your heart. Let it set your direction. And then ask your mind to help you move in that new, heart-felt direction.

With care,

Dr. Susan Bernstein
Life/Work Transition Expert
www.WorkFromWithin.com

PS – Do you really, truly want work that fits for you?

What are you doing to create it?

I’ve got a great new 7-week webinar series, “Don’t Look for a Job! Create a ROLE That Truly Fits for You” that I’m offering on Wednesday nights from April 7 to May 19, 2010. Check it out at http://www.workfromwithin.com/calendar/rolethatfitswebinar/

Go ahead and get a taste! Sign up for a free preview call to learn more about that webinar. The free call is on Wednesday, March 3, 6-7 pm Pacific. Get all the details at  http://www.workfromwithin.com/calendar/rolethatfitswebinar/#1

If you grew up in the United States or England, then when you were a kid, you must have been asked a zillion times, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” How did you feel about that question? Did you love hearing that question? Did you hate it?

In my heart of hearts, I want to scream when I hear parents, teachers, and adults ask kids “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” is an incredibly dangerous question to pose to innocent children.

“Dangerous?” you say. If you could see me, you’d look at me sideways. Yes, I imagine you think I’m nuts. How in the world could an innocent question like “What do you want to be when you grow up?” be dangerous? Dangerous? Really?

OK, let me show you. Can remember back to when you were between 5 and 12 years old? Great. Then think back. When people asked you, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” what was your answer?

I wanted to be an orthodontist. My brother wanted to be a policeman or a fireman or an airplane pilot. One of my closest friends, Karen, wanted to be a secretary.

The thing is, most people don’t turn out to be exactly what they thought they’d be when they were kids. (If they did, we’d have a glut of astronauts and movie stars).  I am a career coach (always looking for a better title, so sometimes, I call myself Coach/Author/Speaker or Life/Work Transition Expert). My brother is an attorney, and a former concert tour manager. And Karen is a webmistress of sorts, if there’s even a good way to describe the freelance work she does to ensure websites look great.

There’s a very interesting study that relates to all of this. The BBC reports that back in 1969, when they were 11 years old, 14,000 British schoolchildren were asked to write 30-minute essays predicting what they might become when they were age 25, as part of the 1958 Birth Cohort Study.

This longitudinal study followed these children to the present, so that they are now in their 50’s. One thing that did hold: of those with professional aspirations at age 11 – with dreams of being professionals with advanced credentials, like a veterinarian, a lawyer, or an architect – more than half did indeed end up entering professional occupations, even if their eventual career wasn’t quite the one they had had in mind.

For example, there’s Bruce
At age 11, Bruce wrote about his 25-year-old self: “I work for a Newspaper as a journalist. I am quite a successful journalist and earn quite a lot of money. I wish to be an author when I am older and write several books… I hope to be quite wealthy later in life when my books are published.”

He’s not a journalist, nor has he written any books. He’s an interim manager for a number of information technology (IT)  projects, has achieved good financial success (so he’s wealthy by his own account), and owns home both the UK and United States.

Sure, people did go on to do some of the activities that they said they’d do…

Kim’s story
At 11, Kim imagined a life revolving around travel – working with the animals in Africa, and studying the aardvark and the warthog. Her essay ends ambitiously: “I plan to see the whole world before I die and maybe to see the Moon beneath my feet.” Please note, Kim didn’t name a profession, like “flight attendant” or “travel agent.” She described what she wanted to do.

According to the BBC story, Kim’s life has followed that pattern. At 18 she went to Greece, Italy and other parts of Europe. She fell in love with an Australian, married and travelled the world together. After seven years in Australia, the couple returned to the UK and they now have three children. Kim still dreams of travel. “My husband is so stressed at work that all he can think of is getting a recliner and Sky sport. All I can think of is getting into a camper van and taking off. I’d quite like to throw all my cards up in the air. I’ve had long enough of working 9-5.”

Anne’s aspiration: Hairdresser
Anne imagined her 25-year old self: “It was a Monday and off to work. I work in a hairdresser, and looking for a shop – when I have saved up some money I will buy one.”

When she reached college age, a move prevented Anne from studying what she had intended, so instead, she reluctantly joined a bank. Opportunities were limited, and she could only aspire to attain the level of first cashier, because at the time, there were no female bank managers.

Those are just three stories of people who did not become what they’d aspired to as children. The comments from readers about this BBC article are especially interesting. A woman who regretted not becoming a doctor. A would-be astronaut who became an accountant. An environmental manager who had hoped to be a veterinarian.

OK…So why, then,  is it so dangerous to ask a child “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Here’s my take on things…

(1) It over focuses on one professional title

The desired response to the question “What do you want to be when you grow up?” is the name of a profession. A title. Like butcher. Or baker. Or candlestick maker.

And you know what? Those titles are limiting. It’s a bit like telling a kid, “You know, you have to go find just the right thing, the right title. You don’t yet have any working experience, so you don’t know the world of titles. But still, you should find one.

The thing is, how do you describe what you want to do, when as a kid, you’ve not yet had a lot of life experience? Maybe, maybe, you’re lucky, one of those people who just knows what you want to do all along. I wasn’t. I wanted to be an orthodontist. Why? Oh, truth be told, probably because I had a crush on my orthodontist! But I wound up changing careers multiple times, and when I wanted to integrate my business experience with my PhD in mind/body psychology,and wanted to help people in career change to really get in touch with what their hearts and guts were telling them, I didn’t really know what title to give my work. Body-centered career coach? Transformation agent? I’ve settle on “career coach,” but quite frankly, I hate the title. “Coach” often feels too “rah-rah,” and “career” feels too limiting.

So, the bottom line:  Titles get in the way. It’s better to ask a kid “What kinds of activities would you like to do in the future?” And if you just have to ask what a kid wants to be, how about asking what kind of a life he or she wants to live, like “I’d like to be a really caring person, who takes an interest in the people around me, and I’d like to make time in my life to ski at least a few times every winter.” Ah, that’s about who you really want to be, as in the kind of person you want to become. Your character, your activities. Not just the name of your profession.

(2) No one knows what the names of professions will be 10 or 20 or 30 years or more into the future

Really. Even 10 years ago, if you had put the words “social, media, and expert” together, what would they mean? What is a social media expert, anyway? Where do you go to school for that? What’s the certification like?

The point is, you don’t go to school (at least yet). You don’t get a certification. That title didn’t exist even 10 years ago. So asking a kid to predict the future is a bit like asking the kid to become a psychic. Perhaps psychic skills are nice to have, but those are not fostered in school. It would be better to ask a kid about the constellation of activities he would like to do. What seems fun and exciting and energizing? What maximizes

(3) Why put so much pressure on kids to know what profession they’d like to be a part of in the future?

Please. Childhood is to be enjoyed. We put way too much pressure on kids to know their futures. For goodness sakes, parents worry about getting their kids into the right preschools, so that Junior can be sure to go to Harvard. And then the kid has to take violin lessons, be on the basketball team, get top grades, and do everything to worry, worry, worry about being perfect. In someone else’s mind and mold. In Silicon Valley, one of the leading high schools in academic rankings, Gunn High School, has seen a rash of suicides. The pressure to perform and to have some seemingly “ideal” future is just too high.

When we learn to choose our future through pressure, we push, push, push ourselves. When we do that, we can’t feel the pull of what really grabs us. If you’re constantly working hard, how can you relax enough to listen to your heart and know what you really want?

Can you imagine what our world would be like if we trusted kids (and adults) to sense their desires by just relaxing, chilling, and listening to their hearts? Personally, I believe we’d have less stress, more creativity, and more enjoyment.

So…

Do you agree that it’s dangerous to ask kids “What do you want to be when you grow up?” What might we ask instead?

How did that question impact YOU as a kid?

How has that question impacted your life as an adult?

Wishing you a joyful career,

Dr. Susan Bernstein
Life/Work Transition Expert
www.WorkFromWithin.com

PS – If you’re trying to decide “what’s next” (or, dare I say,  “what do you want to be when you grow up?”) I think you’d love the 7-week webinar series, “Don’t Look for a Job! Create a ROLE That Truly Fits for You” that I’m offering on Wednesday nights from April 7 to May 19, 2010. Check it out at http://www.workfromwithin.com/calendar/rolethatfitswebinar/ and sign up for the free preview call at http://www.workfromwithin.com/calendar/rolethatfitswebinar/#1

On Monday, a close friend confided in me: “I can’t seem to get started with work today. I’m so caught up in remembering all the parties I went to, all the cool people I met, all the sleeping late that I did, and I feel really draggy.” She seemed pressed to change her situation.

I do understand. I spent part of my break in a dance workshop at the Esalen Institute, and it was soooo relaxing (FYI, did you get my gift to you of 16 seconds of serenity, from Esalen, where I’ll be teaching a workshop on Crafting Careers That Truly Fit from January 15-17, 2010?). Going back to the emails and client sessions and planning was a whole different energy.

Back to my friend (and this has been important for me, too). I reminded her that many, many people take the last week of December off from work. They catch up with friends, putter around the house, reminisce about good times over old photos, and generally move at a different rhythm compared to their working lives.

Work has its own pacing, and it’s generally different from the ways we would live our lives if we didn’t work. We go to meetings on time (hopefully), we answer emails and phone calls (typically as they arrive, even if that’s not optimal for productivity), and largely operate in rhythms that have to do with meeting deadlines (why don’t they call them life-lines?).  This is quite different than who we are during vacation time.

So, if you’re having a tough week of getting back to work, and find yourself daydreaming, should you beat yourself up? Well, that’s optional. In fact, I’d say it’s unnecessary. Instead, I want to offer a compassionate reframing. I encourage you to think of the qualities you felt in yourself during vacation.  Perhaps you experienced fun, joy, ease, play, or some other characteristics. I invite you to consider how you felt during vacation, and jot down a few adjectives to describe your inner state.

Then, look over that list of adjectives and ask yourself, “What could I start, stop, or continue doing in my work that would allow me to cultivate that quality?” For example, if you experienced a great deal of fun during your vacation, you might want to add that quality at work. A few ways to do that: Take a “play” break with your colleagues. Make finishing each of your daily tasks into game, and see how fast or how easily you can do them. Create a friendly competition with a co-worker.

Instead of berating yourself for wanting to re-experience all the great aspects of your vacation or free-time away from work, I encourage you to consciously cultivate those qualities in your work. You might even write a few of those meaningful words, like “Joy, Ease, Play” on a card or sticky note, and post them where you can see them at work, as a reminder that you want to live life with those attributes.

I’d love to hear what happens when you honor yourself in this way at work this year. Drop me an email at info @ workfromwithin.com or reply here on the blog.

Happy 2010!

Dr. Susan Bernstein
Life/Work Transition Expert
www.WorkFromWithin.com

Happy Thanksgiving!

As we move towards the Winter Solstice, and the hours of sunlight grow shorter and shorter, this is a great time of year to turn inward and notice the people and circumstances for which we are most grateful.

I encourage you to express gratitude and thanksgiving to at least three people this week…and notice how you feel inside.  What emotions do you feel? How do you feel in your body? Perhaps you will feel love arising…not necessarily mushy, sentimental love, but a more universal feeling.

Pay close attention those positive feelings and sensations. Savor them. And then set an intention to spread those good feelings to your work. You might imagine a that the positive energy is like a mist and it spreads gently, touching any element of your life that needs to come into the light, some situation or relationship that is calling out for greater meaning and fulfillment. Then, exhale, and release the outcome. You might write down any insights or “aha’s” in a journal, and track what happens.

When you transform your feelings about a difficult issue or relationship, you “work from within” to regain your sense of impact. Instead of feeling so stuck, focusing on any positive aspect, even if it seems teeny, helps you to feel better and open up new possibilities. While you may not get exactly the outcome you expect, practice being grateful (even to the person or situation for being an extremely challenging teacher) and you are very likely to generate new choices. You fuel positive change with positive energy.

Your emotions and sensations are novel and original in each moment. So by allowing yourself to focus on positive aspects of in any moment, and feeling and sensing our own well-being, we transform our brains so that new neural pathways are created, instead of being “stuck in a rut.”

Maybe, just maybe, these suggestions will allow you to experience what the poet Khalil Gibran said of work…“Work is love, made visible.”

I’d love to hear how this works for you! Drop me at line at Info@WorkFromWithin.com

Happy Thanksgiving!
Susan

Dr. Susan Bernstein
Life/Work Transition Expert
www.WorkFromWithin.com

PS – If you’d like to get out of a rut about your career, I invite you to read about the January 15 – 17, 2010 workshop I’m teaching at the Esalen Institute.

Yesterday, I was speaking to a job search group, Experience Unlimited, in Walnut Creek, California, about creating work that truly fits. When I opened up the floor for questions, these are two of the questions I heard:

“I switch companies when I get bored. I’ve had a great time being an electrician, a photographer, and about 100 other things so far in my life. But I’ve had too many job experiences. Even though I’ve left companies when I’ve felt it was right to go, I haven’t stayed long enough. So, now, it’s hard to find a job. What do I do?”

“With the economy so tight, companies expect you to be able to do absolutely everything in the job description and more. There’s no way for me to get a job right now, because I only have some of the experience, and not all of it. How am I supposed to get work in this financial climate?”

Do you notice the limitations in thinking in these questions? The people asking them are essentially saying, “What I’m looking for is not out there.”

Dare I be so bold as to state this:  The problem, my friends, is not out there.  The limitation lies within you.

To the person who gets bored, I said, “Hallelujah! You refuse to be bored. You need to be challenged. You want to grow. To do that, you need to find organizations and individuals who share your vision, who want what you want. I wonder if you’re ashamed or embarrassed that you’ve enjoyed yourself, when so many people around you just “numb out” and “go through the motions” at work?”  He admitted feeling sheepish about how much pleasure he derived from work. That attitude kept him from feeling entitled to derive even more pleasure from work. Consequently, he kept meeting companies who questioned his diverse experiences.

When you feel naughty or bad for what you”ve done or what you desire, you tend to cut ourselves off from having more of that. And you do it by limiting your thinking, by defining yourself in negative ways.

To the man who can’t seem to get hired, I said, “So, it sounds like you do have work experience, yes?” He replied, “Oh, yes, very good experience. Just not enough of it.” He threw a roadblock in his way by believing that no company could hire him. I suggested that companies still have problems, and that perhaps if he didn’t get hired for full-time, long-term employment, he might contract himself out for projects or “gigs” where the expertise he does have could be utilized. On a contract basis, he could see if he truly enjoyed the company, and he could also demonstrate other skills. Perhaps he would be hired for the long run. But by believing he didn’t have enough experience, he was limiting himself.

So when you notice yourself feeling unfulfilled, lacking or resentful, I encourage you to notice the ways you perceive yourself and your opportunities. Maybe it’s time for an upgrade in your thinking. Expand your possibilities.

We even have subtle ways we limit ourselves, like the way we dress. If you were the male dean of a top 10 business school, would you wear an earring? What message would that telegraph?Would that look professional enough, especially when you meet with corporate sponsors?

Well, Richard Lyons, dean of the Haas School of Business at UC Berkeley, was interviewed in the fall of 2009 about the earring he wears, and explained:

“I started wearing the earring shortly after I joined the Berkeley faculty. You see how fast this place gets to people? Actually, one of my colleagues and I went out and got our ears pierced together. For me, it’s a reminder of how many degrees of freedom we actually have in our lives. We get on certain pathways and do certain things, but usually we grow the most when we take risks and experience big transitions. We don’t need to define ourselves one certain way, or as one certain thing. We can be many things in our lives. I like being reminded of that.”

How can you redefine yourself and expand your degrees of freedom? What events or situations might you see differently, to support you in creating what you really want in life?

Expanding possibilities,

Dr. Susan Bernstein
Life/Work Transition Expert
www.WorkFromWithin.com