Words like “Let go” “Trust” and “All will be well” can make me feel like barfing.

Yep, I know that’s graphic. Yet honest.

You often hear those words from friends if you’re in the midst of a difficult task — like finding a new home, looking for a new job, or finding a mate — right?  They’re well meaning friends, I know. But all that “surrender” stuff can sound to me like it’s advice for airy fairy people.

Oh, come on! Really? If you’re engaged in an important pursuit, like figuring out where you’re going to lay your head at night, or what job’s going to pay the money so you can afford your rent, are you supposed to just stop looking and hope and pray that it will all work out? All those “release and trust God” phrases used to sound like mumbo-jumbo magic to someone as  analytical and anxious as me.

But now, I see things differently.

I understand that to embody Kick-Ass Confidence when you’re doing anything important — like seeking a new home or looking for your next job — you have to do two things. First, you have to take inspired action — you have to make some efforts on your behalf, rather than lying in bed, wishing and hoping that somehow, a great opportunity will just magically arrive to solve all your problems. Second, you do have to let go. You do have to just trust. You do have to believe that all will be well.

So when you do that, what are you letting go of? It’s not the action-taking. It’s  the outcome. In other words, how things will turn out. Because despite all your best efforts, you don’t control the outcome.

Let me make this practical: Last week, I met with a woman to discuss renting a room in her home. The house where I’ve lived in for over four years is on the market, so I may have to move quickly into new accommodations. Before meeting with this potential new housemate, I started losing confidence. “What if she doesn’t like me?” I wondered. “What if we have a bunch of disagreements about things like noise, sharing the bathroom, where I can park my car…” Basically, I was scaring myself with negative scenarios.

I realized that my confidence was caving. I was terrified of all sorts of bad things happening.

But then I remembered: I don’t control the outcome. She will either take me as a housemate, or not. My job is to focus on the input. What I say to this woman. How I treat her. How I show up for myself during our discussions.

I might be supremely tranquil, loving, wise, and give her my best soft sell about becoming her housemate. Yet she still might not choose me. She might decide she doesn’t want to rent the room to anyone. Maybe her daughter will come back to town and want it. Who knows?

Given that the outcome of our discussions is out of control, I can make myself feel a lot better by saying to myself: “I’ve given this discussion my best shot.”

And then I tell myself: “Let go.” “Trust.” and “All will be well”

In fact, I did that. And she told me, “I’d love to have you as a housemate. Let’s talk more, and really iron out the details.”

Sure, it could have gone differently. But regardless, when I let go, and trust that all will be well, I keep my spirits up. I believe in myself. I feel like Spirit is looking after me, like I will get good results, even if I don’t exactly know when those results will or emerge. Or how the outcome will look.

What about you? How do you feel about letting go and trusting that all will be well? Share your comments, below.

Releasing all outcomes,

What would YOU like to feel more confident about? Join me for 28 days of kicking your fears and doubts to the curb, and kicking up your confidence. Join the 4-week Kick-Ass Confidence program that starts Wednesday, October 19.

I couldn’t help it. I saw an article on CNN about 9 things you shouldn’t say to your child.

And when I scanned those 9, I thought, “Hmm, these are things you shouldn’t say at work, either.” Sometimes, we treat kids better than we treat employees, especially when we talk down to the very people who are doing their utmost for the organization. It’s nutty.

So, I’ve left the CNN list of what not to say to kids intact. It’s just that I’ve changed the guidance to fit the workplace. And yes, this is meant to be a blend of tongue-in-cheek with wise guidance.

‘Leave me alone!’
OK, so this isn’t one people actually say. But sometimes, we can be brusque and off-putting when people want to see us. If you’re prone to becoming angry and upset when you’re co-workers visit you unannounced, or a client calls you on your private mobile phone number while you’re at a family outing, you may want to scream “Leave me alone!” Believe me, I understand. But if you do yell that, especially repeatedly, you will, indeed, be left alone.

Instead, I go back to the old adage, “Be gentle with people and firm with time.” I suggest you politely acknowledge the person, “Tara, it’s great to see you!” then mention what you’re focused on “And I’m right in the midst of finishing an email to an important client,” and then propose some other times to convene, “I have an opening tomorrow at 9:00 for 30 minutes, or Thursday at 4:00 for an hour. How about one of those?”

It’s fine to guard your time. Just don’t be too guarded about people.

‘You’re so…’
This is a tough one. Usually, we don’t fill in that “…” to someone’s face. But virtually everyone is prone to label people. “Harry’s so micromanaging.” “Sallie’s so entitled.” “Barbara is so scatterbrained.”

From the realm of non-violent communication, I would suggest that instead of attacking the person, you describe the behavior that irks you in a non-judgmental, journalistic way (think New York Times, not Fox News), and then describe your own reaction to that, in a way that describes what you prefer or wish for, even in the form of a request. That way, you leave open the possibility for the person to change. When we attach labels, they tend to stick for us, so that someone’s character becomes fixed in our minds, rather than fluid. So it might be “Harry makes me spends at least 30 minutes with him while he reviews whatever Excel spreadsheet I’ve created for him. That irritates me, and I wish he’d only make me sit through the review when there’s a glaring error, so that I can learn, instead of feeling humiliated.

This strategy takes some self-awareness, and changes the game from finger-pointing to personal development and interpersonal connection.

‘Don’t cry’
It’s seldom spoken in the workplace, but most of us have been told with a glance or isolation that crying is not acceptable on the job. And yet when strong emotions arise, tears are often an indicator of how much we care about an issue, not an admission of weakness, as many are prone to mislabel crying. In fact, in her book, “It’s Always Personal:  Emotion in the New Workplace,” author Anne Kraemer makes the case that as the line between work and the rest of our lives blurs, emotions are becoming more socially acceptable to express.

‘Why can’t you be more like your sister?’
Of course, unless your sister works in your company, you’re not going to hear this one. But managers sometimes have the subtle innuendo to imply that you should be as good as someone else in your department or group. Ouch!

In her blog post, Envy, Jealousy, Resentment – The “Comparison” Emotions at Work, Louise Altman quotes Thomas DeLong from the Harvard Business Review as saying “Comparing is a trap that permeates our lives, especially if we’re high-need-for-achievement professionals.” So please don’t add fuel to the fire of the triple threat of envy, jealousy, and resentment by comparing people. See people for their good traits and help them develop in the ways they want to develop. Attempting to create carbon copies of the employees you most admire is just not worth it.

‘You know better than that!’
Pardon me, but people make mistakes. And most of us who make mistakes have plenty of remorse for the wrong-doing. So there’s no need to add insult to injury.

Besides, Thomas Watson, the founder of IBM said, “The way to succeed is to double your error rate.” IBM just celebrated its 100th anniversary, so maybe Watson had some wisdom on this one.

‘Stop or I’ll give you something to cry about!’
OK, you don’t really hear this one at work. Or at least I hope you don’t literally hear these words. But some managers use threats to get their employees to perform. That’s very old world. And highly unlikely to work with Millenials, in particular, who care deeply about meaning over money. They want to feel inspired by their work, not punished. But that’s true of most everyone, actually, thank you very much.

‘Wait till daddy gets home!’
When an employee’s not performed up to expectations, sometimes managers threaten to share inferior examples with higher-ups, the equivalent of “daddy.” Honestly, this skirts the issue of just simply saying, “I, me, yep, the one you’re looking at…I think you’ve done a less than stellar job.” Instead of passing the buck to a superior, be brave and deliver the news yourself.

‘Hurry up!’
Oh, yeah, that’s what employees love. Someone breathing down their neck, asking them to speed up. Where did I read a study that being watched makes you perform better? Oh, that’s right, I didn’t read that.

Here’s a novel approach to time:  Brian Robertson of Holacracy suggest in his blog post The Insanity of What-by-When that instead of making time commitments by when you’ll have a project or task completed, for full transparency, you ought to offer a grounded projection, with the promise that you’re always working on the most important issue first.

‘Great job!” or “Good girl!’
This one ranks up there with “atta boy” and a pat on the back. Yes, people want to be recognized. But no, this is not sufficient or meaningful praise. To be sufficient and meaningful, you really need to be specific about what you liked in someone’s performance, and why that matters.

Whew, that’s enough parenting for a while…

“I wish my company would pay for more training for me.”

I hear that all the time.

Have YOU ever said that?

If you have, your wish is the reflection of a great employee. You’re the kind of employee who wishes for chances to do something so normal and natural – grow.

But alas, those golden hey-days of receiving training as a perk seem to be disappearing. Gone are the days when employees regularly stayed at companies for ten or more years. Gone are the days when no one had to talk about “loyalty” because it was just implied. And it seems we’ve say goodbye to the times when companies had rich budgets for developing their employees, and corporate universities flourished.

I forecast that those days are gone. Perhaps forever, although I’m a big believer in “never say never.”

Companies are reluctant to pay for your training because they don’t know how long you’ll be around. Here’s why:

FIRST:  As the pace of economic and technological change keeps getting faster and faster, companies need to be more and more nimble to respond to market demands. This means more and more reorganizations and layoffs, especially for larger companies to stay nimble and meet business challenges. Still, it’s no fun to be pushed out of the company where you feel a sense of belonging.

For example, last week, I spoke with a former client whose company is converting from web-based to mobile-applications. The organization is desperate to hire new employees with experience creating mobile applications. Unfortunately, those employees on the non-mobile side of the business are being moved to new jobs or downsized.

SECOND:  Spurred on by rapid economic and technology shifts, the average tenure of employees, at least in the US, has been dropping since 2000, with the exception of 2008-2010. And that “blip” reflects employees holding on to their jobs through the recession, even if they’ve been unhappy.

What does this shorter tenure within companies mean?
Unfortunately, it means your company is less likely to invest in your growth.

Look, I don’t actually think the lack of investment in you is a wise move on your company’s part. But company psychology works something like this:  The vast majority of organizations foolishly figure that if you’re going to be leaving soon. So they balk at paying for an investment, like training, that can walk out the door.

I disagree with companies’ short-sighted thinking (especially because more and more employees are hungry for training, and companies can make courses and development experiences an attractive perk). But more and more frequently, I hear people pining for more assistance from their companies to take courses, but being denied. Sigh.

So if you care about growing and developing, it’s up to YOU to invest in yourself. That means reading books, taking online and in person classes, and going to conferences to keep yourself current.

You might argue:  “Well, when I get training, especially related to my job, that benefits my company, so they should pay for it.” Yes, of course, it’s worthwhile to ask your company to cover the cost. That’s a very legitimate expense. But some companies just won’t fork over the dough.

So, if your company won’t pay, are you going to forgo the chance to learn new skills that will benefit you for the long run?

My encouragement is to see yourself as an entrepreneur, even if you’re working for a company.

The enterprise you run? Your career. A good entrepreneur invests for the future. Sure, they try to get whatever they can at a discount. So perhaps you can ask your company to pay for a portion of your training.

As an entrepreneur, you realize that the money that you invest is very likely to pay dividends. Of course, you want to be thoughtful about the skills you are developing. If you’re a graphic artist, then learning the latest version of Adobe Creative Suite makes sense. But if you’re building your accounting skills, that kind of software is not likely to advance your professional career. But by all means, if it’s fun for you to learn that, then do it. The happier you are in life, the more those benefits translate to work. Being well-rounded just feels good.

What have you been hungry to learn in your career? Do you want to gain more fluency in the language of business? Are you jones’ing to make a good impression with your speaking and presentation skills? Maybe you want to overcome the fear of a more general professional skill, like networking?

Whatever skill, talent, or ability you want to develop, the great news is that when you invest in yourself, you take the knowledge with you wherever you go. So even if your company unceremoniously and without warning gives you a pink slip, they may get to keep your company-issued laptop, but they can’t take the education and training out of you (unless your talking about some sci-fi movie with mind erasing, like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind). What you learn is yours to keep.

Also, when you keep learning, you open yourself up to new employment opportunities. How?

1.    You can do some projects on the side with your new skills.
2.    You can make yourself a freelancer (and freelance employment is growing at more than twice the rate of traditional employment).
3.    When you keep an updated list of your skills on your LinkedIn profile, you increase the chances that recruiters will find you
4.    When you take training classes with others (instead of online) or learn at venues like conferences, you vastly increase your chances of meeting people who can offer you a new job or gig. Sweet!

So, what skills are you most excited to learn next?
And what are you doing to build those skills (oh, and enjoyment)?

PS – If you want to build some skills around creating work that fits, building your job search confidence, or interviewing for jobs more effectively, check out the digital downloads I created:

Creating Work That Fits | The Job Seeker’s Confidence Kit | Interviewing Authentically

About two weeks ago, I asked a provocative question of my newsletter readers:

What is the most important change
your company or organization could make
that would cause you to feel
intensely engaged and excited
about working for them?

Wow! I was inundated with answers! I heard back from a very diverse group of Work from Within newsletter readers, especially from teachers, adults who have recently been laid off, and people working in the healthcare field. I heard from readers across the world, primarily in the United States and Canada, but also in Sweden, Germany, Malaysia, Australia, and New Zealand.

Here’s what I learned from YOU…

1. Overall, you want to be appreciated. You wish that your employers really understood how much care you pour into your work, and you want more than a pat on the back. It’s not that you are screaming for more money. In fact, you said that was not your primary motivator. You would feel most alive and engaged if your managers and co-workers noticed the effort you put into projects, the skills you learned, and the ways you make a difference. You crave positive feedback, the chance to know what’s working. Teachers are having an especially hard time, with school districts, governments, and parents criticizing them as they strive to do more on their shoestring salaries. (So if you know a teacher, send a word of encouragement, would you, please?)
2. You want your company to be upfront with you about what’s happening. You want to feel connected to the organization’s mission. You want to be told — frequently — how your work relates to the strategic direction, so that you don’t feel left in the dark. And you especially want to be kept in the light when it comes to any threats to your job. As a whole, you’d rather know early on that your job is in danger, and you really despise management when they tell you that your job is safe, only to turn around and lay you off soon afterwards. You want transparency from management, and you wish to be trusted with the truth, especially when it involves your future.
3. You want to learn and grow in your role and your life. And you wish that your company would pay for time for you to take classes or read or otherwise enrich yourself. You want time to digest and discuss what you learn with colleagues, too. And you want to be asked how you, personally, want to grow, and you’d like as much support from your organization as possible to grow in the ways you’d like, assuming they fit at least some of the company’s needs. You’ve said you’re open to different types of growth, not just “moving up the ladder,” but doing rotations, learning overseas, and taking on special projects.
4. You want to be immersed in a positive environment. Negativity, rubbing your nose in past mistakes, and anger all rob you of your energy. You yearn to contribute in meaningful, easeful ways, free from demoralizing people and processes. Said another way: You want to let your talents flow and be magnified.

A big huge thank you to everyone who took the time to reply. I’m really touched.

So, what am I going to do with what you’ve shared with me?

Well, first, if you’ve been reading about my personal journey, you may already know that I’m moving away from individual coaching (I’ll still do a bit of that one-on-one work, because I love connecting so personally with people like you). I’m moving towards sharing what I’ve learned over the past ten from high-energy company super-stars about why they leave, in order to help companies retain their best people and teach their employees to take more responsibility for their professional development. To that end, I’ll be teaching about maximizing your ROLE, your Return On Life Energy within companies.

I also plan to meet with HR people and senior managers to discuss your desires, and work collaboratively to see what we can do to change the shape of the workplace.

I’m very appreciative that my friend — the gifted author and speaker Simon T. Bailey — shared with over 2,000 HR professionals at the Society for Human Resources Management (SHRM) conference this week some of my findings about why talented people leave their companies, and what HR professionals can do to turn things around.

I’m doing my best to convey your DESIRES about work…to the people who can DO something to make your work more EXCITING and ENGAGING.

I promise to keep you updated.

And please, will you keep me posted about what you want?

Will you tell me what will get you to bring the best of you to the work that you do? I really care about listening and translating your deepest desires, so you can give your best at work. Drop me a line at info@WorkFromWithin.com

I’m listening…

Yesterday, I just dug up some old journals, looking to understand myself when I was miserable in my career. I wanted to understand my psychology. I wanted to see if I had any inklings of this amazing life I’m living right now, being what some people call “The Doctor who gets you working well.”

I thought you’d enjoy seeing where my life was at before, in my live-from-a-suitcase, 80+ hour workweek, over-analyzing, over-stressed, highly perfectionistic life as a management consultant, so you you can be inspired that change is possible.

I know that YOU … yes, YOU…even if you are feeling miserable in your career…

(1) You can move your life (and livelihood!) from awful to awesome, if you give yourself time and…
(2) You can hold out hope (and believe in yourself and some magic or power bigger than yourself)
(3) You can allow yourself to imagine and fantasize how life could be. And reap the pretty magical benefits of what can seem like childlike day-dreaming. Even if that day-dreaming feels indulgent. Indulge!

28 May, 1996

I am feeling a great deal of impatience and agitation, but also a tremendous sense that something good is coming. However, I feel like I am being remiss in preparing for an opportunity, and I’m afraid it is going to pass me by.

I have been feeling very frustrated about work. I realize I don’t feel totally organized & methodical, and that sometimes, it’s hard for me to see things clearly. I wonder if I am logical enough. I also wonder if I have enough interest in what I am doing. I am not one of those people who just naturally picks up the Wall Street Journal. I need a problem or an issue to focus on, and then I’ll read.

Anyway, I am still feeling a lot of need to change my job, but I don’t want to rush it. I am scare of being “trapped” on a project I don’t like. For example, I don’t really want to work on the BigCo cost-cutting project in Miami. First of all, regardless of location, cost-cutting doesn’t interest me. Secondly, it’s so far out of town and I’m just beginning to have a social life here. I actually want to have a social life. Ugh, and I hate Miami. I am scared that I would have no idea how to do the work and that I would be so caught between trying to hold the details of the numbers and the big picture at the same time. Yuck! I get stressed out just thinking about it. Dear Universe, please let me be staffed on something more to my liking and temperament.

I guess I am also becoming aware of the need for balance in my life. I am trying to do something about it and to listen to my inner desires. On Saturday, I started singing lessons, and had a lot of fun. I want to perform and entertain and PLAY!

I also had a friend, R, help me out in a wonderful way. We cleaned out the weeds in the backyard and it looks great! I even planted some veggies. I hope they take!

I need to allow myself to have fun like this and just let myself imagine and fantasize about how life could be. I feel happy now. Thank you, Universe, for answering my prayers.

Whew! I am dazzled that my life has changed so much. No more life on airplanes. No more crunching numbers in Excel spreadsheets all day long. No more helping big companies cut costs. Hurray for

So, what do you imagine and fantasize about in your indulgent future life and livelihood? How about sharing it here, and watching it come true?

Or, what if you got out a journal, right now, or even just a scrap of paper, and started writing about the life and livelihood you truly want. And let yourself feel how that feels. Aaaah…

I’d love to hear what emerges for you. Let yourself sing. I’ll sing with you, if you like.

Love,

Susan

I have a confession.

I’ve been a stress case.

That’s hard to admit. Especially since I work with people to help them come alive at work. I do love coaching people, on a one on one basis, about their work. And I’ve been feeling more and more confident about my ability to help people truly light up at work. My head and heart both trust the effectiveness and transformational value of  the unique ways that I help people to conceive of work that fits them. So now, I’m quite hungry to expand my reach and impact so I can touch more people. That has meant teaching more group programs, writing, speaking in as many venues as possible, and influencing larger groups. Doing all these new activities has involved learning how to use webinar software, getting on the phone to talk to organizations and businesses about helping them, discovering how I can best describe what Work from Within is all about, and generally stepping out in the world in a much bigger way. Most of the time, learning these new skills and approaches to marketing Work from Within and my philosophies and practices has been fun. But it’s time consuming, and I’m prone to rush myself and demand results (dare I say, money) rather quickly. I’ve been impatient for success. I want it on my timeline, darn it!

All this effort lead me from stress toward burnout. I started recognizing the shift from becoming angry and frustrated at my circumstances to feeling resigned. For example, I would try to learn how to use webinar software, and somehow I’d lose my participants into the Internet ether (oops!). I’d feel enraged at the software and embarrassed at not being a perfect presenter. Then the nasty voice of Little Miss Perfect would scream in my head, and I’d berate myself for not getting familiar enough with the tools I needed to make the webinar hum along.

Over the course of a few months, I started to think: “I just don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not a celebrity yet, like Oprah or Suze Orman. Who am I to help people learn to come alive at work? I’ve been running Work from Within for five years. So why am I not on TV yet? Why haven’t I written a book, let alone published it? What am I doing wrong? Maybe I should just give up…”

My body began to feel heavy as a boulder, sluggish as a slug, mentally foggy like the June Gloom that hangs over the Pacific Coast, and downright stomp-my-feet-and-shake-my-fist irritable.  I remembered the difference between stress and burnout. Stress is about feeling over engaged and anxious. When you hit burnout, you’re likely to become disengaged, hopeless, and depressed. I was headed for the latter. After weeks and weeks of this experience, a lightbulb went off in my head:  Perhaps my ideas about failing and taking too long to make an impact aren’t true. Maybe I’ve been seeing my circumstances through a distorted lens, a narrow angle.

I resolved to shift my energy. I’m all about maximizing Return On Life Energy (ROLE), so I knew I needed to take action to build up my energy stores. I started with getting checked out by the practitioners at the Acupuncture and Complementary Medicine clinic in Berkeley, because I love that Chinese medicine is all based on life energy (which the Chinese call qi, and which Indians call prana). It’s been a process of replenishing my energy stores. I’ve gone from depletion to stagnation to amplification to expansion. Instead of feeling exhausted and irritable, in the course of six weeks, I’m now feeling mellow, flowing, and full of ease. And filled with gratitude for my life and the beauty in the world, sensing the joy of simple things, like the warmth of the mug of my wild sweet orange tea to the playful chatter of the birds in my magnolia tree.

Something else that helped my renewal, something counterculture:  I decided to follow my body’s instinct for rest. I booked a retreat at one of my favorite places on the planet, the Esalen Institute, on the Big Sur coast (I’ll be teaching a workshop at Esalen from December 5 to 10), with it’s warming sulfur hot springs, the crash of the waves of the Pacific Ocean against high cliffs, and the magical landscape with its rainbow of flowers, stands of gracious trees and cradle of rugged mountains.

To renew myself sense of self, I enrolled in an Esalen workshop with performance artist extraordinaire, Nina Wise, who created a practice called Motion Theater, a form of autobiographical improvisation. To me, learning Motion Theater was like finding self-transformational storytelling. Our group of ten women played theatre games (like forming ourselves into shapes and riffing off each others stories), meditated (in creative ways, including with singing), stretched, danced, and learned to tell our personal stories, rich with detail and grounded in sensory experience. Most importantly, the combination of verbal and non-verbal activities re-started my energy. By immersing myself fully in play and presence, I got back in touch with myself. Hallelujah!

If you find yourself sliding into stress, catch yourself and find your antidote. And if you’re slipping into burnout, or you’ve already landed there, stop pushing yourself. Your body, mind, spirit and emotions are telling you that what you’re doing needs to shift. It’s time to give yourself a break for relaxation, restoration, renewal, rejuvenation.

Based on my week at Esalen, and my personal discoveries, I’d like to share some suggestions for shifting out of stress and burnout and back into your essence, your true self, the quiet internal place that is you, no matter what.  Please feel free to take only what feels good, and trust your intuition to modify any of these ideas so they fit you:

Rest. I can be a work machine. That go-go-go behavior got ingrained in me during my tenure in management consulting, when I sometimes worked 80 to 100 hours a week. These days, I think that’s insane. It’s all push, no pull. In other words, I used to make myself do work, rather than feeling drawn or inspired to do it. When we’re stressed, we often push ourselves hard. But that push, push, shove, move forward, go, go, go energy is only one way of being. You are not a machine. You cannot keep up an unrelenting pace indefinitely. Staying up late, working around the clock, denying yourself breaks…this is a recipe for a breakdown. Instead, give yourself the gift of rest. Of doing nothing. Or doing only those things that are pleasurable. Not just satisfying, but truly nourishing. Make the choice to feed yourself what you truly want, which very well may be peace and quiet.

Relax your efforts. Before taking this retreat, I had been working for months without a break, staying up until 11 or 12 at night to reply to emails, plan a workshop, update my website. So much effort! In physics, effort equals work. But work — as in your career, your livelihood — need not be full of hard effort, at least not all of the time. Notice how hard you are trying, and reduce the effort. Here’s one way to do this: Start by doing something that comes very, very naturally to you. Like walking. Or talking on the phone with a friend. As you’re doing this easy, natural activity, become aware of your body and where you hold tension and tightness. Then, do an activity that you don’t do so easily. Not the hardest thing, but something that you have to pay attention to do, and where perhaps you have less skill. Like for me, that’s riding my bike downhill. I have to concentrate. I’m afraid I’ll fall. I can do it, but I have not yet mastered it. How do you feel, in your body, when you do this activity that you’re still mastering? Where are you tight? Where are you loose? Your clamped jaw, your shoulders that come up near your ears…these are all signs of added effort. What can you say to yourself (like “I’m starting to get the jist of this”), and how can you modify the activity (like doing less of it, or only a portion of it, or slowing it down) and particularly your expectations of yourself (maybe telling yourself “It’s OK to be a beginner, and to make mistakes”), so that you can feel more ease?

Reconnect with people who care about you. I’ve been going to Esalen for nearly a decade now, so in that time, I’ve made a lot of friends there. Having them ask about me, getting to spend time with them, catching up…these are all nurturing. I feel seen and appreciated by people who know me. In times of stress and burnout, we need to have people around us who will support us. Who might you like to have around you to support you? You might call a friend and ask to have an hour to just share what’s happening. You could get some friends together and have a “dump your problems in the garbage” ritual, writing down what’s bugging you, reading your list aloud with feeling and emphasis, and then ripping up your list and throwing it in a collective trash can or fire. Then, make a resolution to do one thing, just one for now, that can make you feel better. And report back to the group when you’ve done it, either in person, by email, or by phone. Connect to yourself by connecting with others who are willing and able to help you regain yourself.

Spend time in nature. The rhythms in nature tend to be so different than our man-made mechanistic rhythms of cars and traffic and TV show and meetings and all the scheduled, pre-planned activities, and the constant onslaught of information. Nature is slower, organic, cycling and shifting. Nature is not like the airbrushed superstars we see in magazines and attempt to emulate. It’s raw and honest, the apple that has been pierced by a worm looking for food, the jagged leaf that’s asymmetrical, the birds that do not fly on a preordained flight plan like airliners but flit from tree to tree as they feel called to explore and as the need arises for food and shelter. Nature reminds us to slow down, to get back in touch with our innate instincts and impulses, to trust the flow of life. Immerse yourself in Nature’s rhythms, and you’re bound to have your own reflected back to you.

Turn down your mind and turn up your innate, embodied impulses. When I’m being very verbal — even if it’s replying email — I’m up in my head. And if you’re anything like me, your head can be a dangerous playground, with the broken carousel of repetitive negative thoughts and the teeter totter of self-talk alternately flinging you between self-aggrandizement and self-deprecation. I often tell people to “take the elevator down,” suggesting that they move from their heads to the rest of their bodies. Give yourself time to explore and play non-verbally. Perhaps you will put on music and just move your body in whatever ways feel good, without thinking of the moves you’ll make. You could shake your body like a ragdoll for a few minutes and shake out the cobwebs. You might slither on the floor like a snake and then roll and ooze. You could move your hands like they are talking, which is an activity Nina Wise suggests in her book,  A Big New Free Happy Unusual Life. Listen to what you need, what feels satisfying, and nurture yourself the way a mother nurtures a baby: with touch, rhythm, and movement.

Open your heart. When we’re stressed our burned out, often we’ve neglected our hearts. We are so hell-bent on achieving success, so determined to do what’s right and good, so focused on making money or getting that promotion…and our hearts are suffering from being left out of the conversation about our needs. Needs? Hah, we think, it’s needy to have needs. No, actually, it’s not. Our heart’s desires deserve our attention. Set aside 10 to 15 minutes. Get quiet and put a hand on your heart. Ask your heart, “what do you need?” Be patient, and listen to the answers. Write them down. Follow the most compassionate or most nourishing replies first, like the ones that tell you “Give yourself a hug.”

In every moment, you can add ease and joy to your life by reducing the effort, doing what feeds you, and reducing the activities and situations that deplete you. Bit by bit, day by day, your practice of minimizing your energy drains and maximizing your energy gains will deliver you into a life and livelihood that works for you. That way of living does not come from being hard and harsh with yourself, but rather from relaxing, restoring, renewing, rejoicing, and rejuvenating, as needed. It’s just what the doctor ordered.

Love from Dr. Bernstein!

Susan

I’m angry at Mitchum. Yep. The deodorant people.

Not because I use their deodorant. I don’t. It’s way too manly for me.

I’m angry at Mitchum because they are glorifying the Puritanical work ethic with a new contest that they have, The Hardest Working _______ in America. They ask people to submit videos of themselves working super hard. You might be the hardest working cattle rancher, baker, coach, florist, physical therapist. These don’t even have to be physical laborers. For example, they include a woman who’s a web entrepreneur.

I believe it’s possible to get creative and work smarter and enjoy your life and livelihood much, much more. And I’ll share some ideas about doing that so that you get to imagine them for yourself. But please, if you take anything away from what I’m sharing, it’s that you do not have to kill yourself at work.

So really: What is so right and so virtuous about working so hard? Granted, some of the people that Mitchum’s showing clearly love their work. And I applaud that. But not at the expense of overall well-being. Too many hours at work is just plain draining. In Mitchum’s contest, some of the participants clearly look like they are “slugging it out.” Many of the people they show in their promotional video must be working so hard that they have no time for exercise, because they are quite overweight. Sorry, but that’s no good for your body, mind, or spirit. Can all of these folks truly be happy? I doubt it.

Why must we glorify knocking ourselves out at work? Americans seem to have an obsession with working hard, demonstrating our strength, and just plain working our noses to the grindstone and running ourselves into the ground.

I know a thing or two about pushing myself to work hard. Back in the mid 1990s, I was a management consultant. My colleagues and I seemed to think that it was completely normal to work 80 hours a week. I was expected to bill a minimum of 50 hours each week. So when I worked 100 hour work weeks, which did on occasion, I’d be exhausted, but it was like I earned a badge of courage. Secretly, I was downright ecstatic when I only had to work 60 hours a week, but I also felt guilty, like I wasn’t contributing my share.

Rare was the day at work when my shoulders did not ache. I simply attributed that pain to sitting at the computer for six to ten hours a day.  Nausea and digestive pains were my frequent companions, and their impact seemed more forceful when I was staffed on a project out of town.  At the time, I simply rationalized the intestinal aches away by assuming they were caused by eating hotel and restaurant food, instead of my own home-cooked meals.


About three years into my time in management consulting, I was involved in a car accident. As I drove home from San Francisco International Airport, returning from a client engagement in Southern California, I was rear-ended by a drunk driver.  Although the accident was not serious, I started getting painful migraine headaches immediately afterwards.  My doctor wanted to run diagnostic tests, but I would not allow it.  I was determined to show how tough I could be.  I was not going to let mere headaches keep me from working on what I thought was an extremely important client project, one that seemed to assure me a promotion!  Then, two weeks after the car accident, I passed out in front of a group of clients.  The pain in my head was overwhelming, so I literally fainted while making a presentation. The project team took me to the hospital to check my health.

I ignored the migraine symptoms, continuing to push through them so that I secure a promotion, even if I was conflicted about moving ahead at the firm.  To my project team and to myself, I pretended. I acted as if I was fine.  Fortunately, when I received a doctor’s orders to take a month off from work to relax and recuperate, the managing partner of my office insisted that I follow his professional guidance.

Deep down, I felt torn. On the one hand, I wanted to demonstrate to my project team that I was as strong as everyone else, and that I could fit into the workaholic culture by continuing to work.  Yet on the other hand, I also wished I could simply find work that was more fun, or that I could even stop working for a period.

I ultimately took the medical leave, and I’m so thankful I did. I got back in touch with my body. I got clear that I wanted to work less and enjoy more. And since then, I’ve always found ways to do that, including ways that make plenty of money, thank goodness.

So, how do YOU do work that fits, and not knock yourself out in the process?

(1) Talk to people who are doing work that they love. Ask them what they love about their work. Ask them how they got into it. Listen to their journey. Almost no one goes from frustration to freedom overnight. It’s a process. Find out how people talk to themselves, how they overcame obstacles, how they motivated themselves. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

(2) Read Tim Ferris’ book, The Four Hour Work Week. This book is a game changer. It sounds absurd, especially if you’ve been working more than 40 hours a week. But stick with it. He has great ideas for how to make work as much fun and easy as possible. He has ideas both for making your current job easier, and for launching a product that you can sit back and watch make money. Ah, passive income!

(3) Read a recent article from Bloomberg/Businessweek about Working on the Waterfront. Yes, people really do work at the beach. If a serious business publication is giving you ideas on how to get a tan while you work, why not investigate? Or do you really want to sit in your cubicle day after day, turning pastier white by the second?

Seriously, though, I’m committed to helping people find ease, engagement, and enrichment from their work. What are YOU going to do to find those qualities in your work?

Working well,

Susan

I’m thrilled to introduce you to Maddy Dychtwald, my guest blogger for this post. Maddy is a nationally recognized author, demographer, public speaker and entrepreneur.  She has spent nearly twenty-five years deeply involved in exploring and forecasting demographic, lifestyle and consumer marketing trends.

Maddy’s new book, Influence: How Women’s Soaring Economic Power Will Transform Our World for the Better, is being released today, May 4. If you care about transforming the world through more feminine energies, I absolutely recommend this book! It’s a powerful argument, based on changes in our world, that shows the ways that women are making positive impacts. It includes stories of women who have big visions and big hearts. I was very fortunate to read an advance copy and was dazzled to find women I truly admire, such as Priya Haji of World of Good, and Deborah Szekely of The Golden Door and Rancho La Puerta, profiled for their visions and values.

So, here’s what Maddy’s shared with you:

It’s a curious thing, how a change so massive can still take us by surprise.

100 years ago, telephones were scarce, TVs not invented, and apples just a tasty fruit. Women couldn’t vote, and in many countries, couldn’t even own property, especially if they were married.

But for all the technological and political change the world has seen in the past century, the single most powerful economic change has not been caused by technology or the rise of developing nations. It’s been created by women.

Over the past two decades, “women have contributed more to global GDP growth than have either new technology or…China or India,” wrote the Economist in 2006. Today, the average American family has two cars, many TVs and countless technological toys. We couldn’t afford half those luxuries without the power of the working women.

And yet, it still astonishes me how invisible this massive change seems. In the U.S, we take for granted that women work—but we don’t consider child care a tax-deductible business expense. We know that women work harder and longer than men, when you count all that cooking, cleaning and laundry—but most poor people in the U.S. (and globally) are women. We see a few women at the top of corporations and many in the middle, but most women still earn just 77 cents for every dollar a man does in a similar job, even when controlling for education and experience.

In short, although women’s economic power has grown enormously, we often don’t take notice. Why? Because, to date, little of that economic power has translated into social or political influence. We’re earning money, but it still feels like a man’s world. This is especially true in the United States, which lags far behind other nations on global indices of gender equality. Women are 20% of elected officials, 11% of business leaders, just 3 percent of Fortune 500 CEOs, and only minor figures in the media that covers them — “female bylines at major magazines are still outnumbered by seven to one”, write Newsweek’s Jessica Bennett, Jesse Ellison and Sarah Ball.

But all that’s finally starting to change. After decades of building up our earning power, hoarding our economic force, we’re about to spend our capital. Slowly at first, but with increasing speed, women are unleashing their influence on the world. Maybe it’s by having dad pick up the kids, maybe it’s by making a microloan to a woman half a world away, but gradually, small changes are accumulating, like a thousand water drops seeping, creeping, eroding a mighty mountain. Together, we’re reshaping our world from a man’s world to, eventually, a partnership society that, one day, will work as well for women as men.

My co-author, Christine Larson, and I started following those changes in our book INFLUENCE: How Women’s Soaring Economic Power Will Transform Our World for the Better, which Hyperion publishes this May. But things are changing far faster than any book can follow, especially given the long lead time of the publishing industry.

So, we’re going to track those changes here, minute by minute, showing how women are starting to use their influence to change the world.

Please help me. I want to know how you’re using your economic influence—to educate your daughter, to reinvent the division of labor in your house or at your company, to help other people around the world.

If you get a high-ranking job with a big, prestigious firm, and a salary that’s many times the national norm, will that make you happy?

I had a job like that. Right after completing my MBA at UC Berkeley, I felt so proud of myself to land a job in management consulting with Andersen Consulting, which is now Accenture (no, not Arthur Andersen, the former parent company who was ruined by the Enron scandal). My post-MBA salary was almost five times higher than my pre-MBA salary, so I was elated. Not that I’d planned to become a management consultant when I went to business school. I either thought I’d go into international trade (I’d started off in a dual-degree program with an MA in Asian Studies that I ultimately dropped) or human resources (I’d come from the world of corporate training and still wanted to develop shiny, happy employees).

So, here’s the thing: Despite Accenture’s big brand name, the name dropping I would do of Fortune 500 clients, being able to tell my friends that I knew the CEO of such-and-such a company, earning elite flyer status with all the miles I accumulated on multiple airlines, and my super-smart colleagues…I was MISERABLE.

I had to hide how much I hated the long hours, because we were supposed to brag about those, like a badge of courage. I never told anyone that I thought the work was boring, and I promptly stopped telling people that I was eager to teach my clients how to do the kind of analysis I was doing for them, because I discovered that we actually profited when clients hired us back for multiple engagements. I was interested in building personal relationships, so I was disappointed when I was placed on a new project every two to three months, and just started to feel like a cog in a wheel. Maybe it was an important wheel.

When I’d consider quitting, friends would say, “But you make so much money! How can you even think of leaving?” I kept telling myself, “You’re lucky to have a job like this! It was so competitive to get in! And you made it! Why would you leave? Keep up this work and you’re on track to make partner, and then you’ll be making MILLIONS!”

It wasn’t until after I collapsed, yes, literally fell backwards, right in front of clients during a meeting, totally spent from exhaustion and killer headaches, that I decided I really needed to leave that job. But oooh, that seductive money.

For me, I’ve discovered that living more simply has given me more freedom over how I manage my time. I love being a coach and setting my own hours. I only work Tuesday to Thursday, for example. In management consulting, I was always answering to the firm. If they wanted me in Detroit the next day, then I’d be packing my bags. (Luckily, I didn’t have to go to Detroit, but I did get a call on a Sunday night to be in Seattle the next day, and my raincoat was at the dry cleaners. How lucky — it didn’t rain that week!)

But that’s me. I’m wondering about you and others. So I started poking around, wondering…does money bring happiness?

Gretchen Rubin, who wrote the book The Happiness Project, says that a LACK of money CAN bring unhappiness. If you’re reading this, you’re probably doing well enough that you’re not living on the street. Rubin reminds us that if we’re not feeling good about money, we can count our blessings, get distracted doing something fun or interesting; find ways to assert control over your situation (even small things like cleaning out a closet); spending time with friends; or do something to help someone else.

In a recent blog post for the Huffington Post, she says that whether money will make you happen depends on a few things:

* What kind of person you are: What do you want to own? Do you have kids or dependent parents? Do you have expensive hobbies? Do you like to travel? These circumstances and choices will impact your feelings around money.

* How you spend your money: Consider which of your purchases over the last year has brought you the most happiness. What if you make choices bearing in mind your happiness? Would you prefer to have a big-screen TV that lets you sit around and watch movies with friends, or would you get more happiness out of a membership at a gym, where you can meet people, get fit, and feel great? The gym membership might actually cost less and give you greater long-term satisfaction.

* How much money you have relative to the people around you, and relative to your own experience: We’re social creatures, prone to compare ourselves with others. While that’s not ideal, perhaps it’s hard to shift that. But if you can, be grateful for what you do have, as that will at least put you in a good mood, instead of focusing on what you don’t have.

I’m also fascinated with this study that Rubin cites. Let me ask it to you as a question:

Which do you prefer?

Choice one: A job where you’re paid $30,000 in Year 1 $40,000 in Year 2, and $50,000 in Year 3

OR

Choice two: A job that pays $60,000 in Year 1, then $50,000 in Year 2 and then $40,000 in Year 3?

Most people prefer Choice 1, with its raises. But, at the end of the three years, you would have earned only $120,000 instead of $150,000, with Choice 2, which actually offers $30,000 more in compensation! Interesting how caught up most of us are in getting more, more, more, especially in money, which is measurable. But happiness? More elusive.

Another tidbit to consider, from Rob Baedeker, writing for SFGate:  If you live in the San Francisco Bay Area, the median income is $50,000 a year. Last year, Oracle CEO Larry Ellison made $84.5 million dollars. Larry Ellison’s compensation was 1690 times more than the average person in the Bay Area. Did he work that many times more than you? Obviously not! Is he that many times happier than you? Hmm…almost certainly not.

So what does income mean in terms of personal satisfaction?

Jean Chatzky, the financial editor for NBC’s “Today Show,” tells us that the amount of money required to “live comfortably” varies by region. She surveyed Americans’ attitudes about money and found that “once you’ve got enough to put food on the table, gas in the car, go out to movies occasionally and go on the occasional vacation, more money doesn’t make you happier.” The point of diminishing happiness returns she found was about $60,000 per household, annually.

Baedeker also cites research by called Justin Wolfers, associate professor of business and public policy at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School of Business, who says “If you look for evidence that there’s some level above which money is unrelated to happiness, you simply can’t find it. Using American data, [from sources such as Gallup polls], it’s true that people earning $50,000 are happier than those earning $25,000, people earning $100,000 are happier than those earning $50,000, and people earning $200,000 are happier than those earning $100,000.”

He explains what he and his Wharton colleague, Betsy Stevenson have found: “It’s what we call a linear log relationship,” What does this mean?  “At any point in the income scale, a 10 percent rise in income buys the same rise in happiness.”

And the Wharton professors have found this formula holds cross-nationally, too. “A 10 percent rise in income for someone in Burundi buys about the same change in happiness as a 10 percent rise for people in the U.S.,” says Wolfers. “That’s the sense in which we say there’s no evidence of satiation. There’s no evidence of it running out at income level whatsoever.”

So, maybe there’s no way to find long-term satisfaction with money. We’ll always want more. So, all the more reason to focus on maximizing your ROLE, your Return on Life Energy. Put your time and energy into what you love. Then, at least you control the interest you get back. You get to feel the appreciation, including self-appreciation.

Celebrating your infinite investments in yourself,

Susan

I love telling happy stories. And this is one of them, about one of my former clients.

It’s delicious, too. Your mouth might start watering, so you’re forewarned…

Back in September of 2008, I hosted an event called “Follow a More Authentic Career Path“  and invited six people who’d made major career changes to talk about how they did it. (In fact, you can order the audio of the event here and listen to Ande’s wisdom, and five other career changers).

Ande Scheinker was one of the panelists. Ande had been an event planner. Hated it. She wasn’t sure what was next when she came to me as a client. Over time, she decided to call herself a “culinary explorer,” because she so loved being in the kitchen and being around food. She baked. A lot. Sometimes, she’d send me pictures of her creations. This was both fun and troublesome. Her pictures can make you drool. Worse, they can ruin a diet, unless you have iron-clad willpower. I don’t.

Ande was, like many clients, worried that she wasn’t changing careers fast enough. I wish I had a dollar for every time someone tells me, “I’m moving too slowly in this transition.” I’d have enough…to buy a car maybe? No, probably not. But still, I want to say “No, no, no. You’re making this transition on YOUR timing. YOUR rhythm. YOUR pace. Just keep listening inside, and you’ll sense what’s next.”

Last week, I received an email from Ande:

Hi Susan,

I hope this email finds you well!  I wanted to update you on a few things that are going on with me…I have some exciting news.

First – I’ve enrolled in pastry school.  I’ll begin a six-month pastry course at Tante Marie here in SF on March 29th.  I’m really thrilled about this next step – it just feels really right.

And for fun, I wanted to tell you that I’m competing in the upcoming edition of SF Food Wars.  This time around, the theme is chocolate cookies.  Fun, fun!  I just found out I was accepted to compete today.   Here’s a bit more info: http://sffoodwars.com/2010/02/the-chocolate-cookie-situation/

I’ve actually never even attended any of the SF Food Wars – but I hear they’re a blast.

Anyhoo – just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that things are going well on my end.  Hope all is well with you.

Thanks for everything,

xoxo Ande

Yes, this is a real email. I share it to make a few points:

First, almost everyone I know has fears of making change, and to be successful, you have to work through those fears. Ande’s had plenty of fears, including the fears that what she cooked would not turn out well. Amazing. Take one look at all the cooking she’s done, and you’d wonder how someone like Ande can even have that fear. Well, she’s just more accustomed to just being with the fear than ever before.

I was reminded by my friend, Tarra Christoff, that “Success is just outside your comfort zone.” To me, that means that you have to give yourself permission to feel a bit uncomfortable, awkward, goofy, confused, if you’re going to be able to navigate changes. You know, if you’re used to being all neat and tidy and organized (like I tend to want to be), then you’ll have to relax the tension you place on yourself to do things “just right.”

How can you demand of yourself that you do something well (or fast) if you’ve never done it before? Sounds silly when you’re standing outside the experience. But when you’re in it, you really can push hard on yourself.  Be gentle with yourself. Tell that part of your mind that’s criticizing you to take a break. It’s not helping. Really.

Second, change takes time. Duh. Yeah, you know this. But most of us only know this intellectually. Are you impatient with yourself? Do you tell yourselves to “hurry up?” and berate yourself when you’re going slow? Please be good and gracious with yourself as you get insights into “what’s next.”

Third, the important thing, as you navigate change, is to keep following your energy gains. It’s a huge gain for Ande to bake. So, over time, she’s taken baking classes and done tons of experiments in her own kitchen. One of my energy gains is writing, and I’m finally, finally, past the dissertation and am writing a book proposal. (Hmm, did you notice my judgment about how long it’s taken me to get over my dissertation?).

What activities or situations fill you with energy? How can you give yourself more time to experiment along those lines?

I’m really energized and excited to taste Ande’s latest creations at The Chocolate Cookie Situation on March 21st in San Francisco.  Mmm…but, too bad, tix are sold out.  Maybe you can view Ande’s Twitter stream and see if she knows about some special way to get more? In the meantime, you can drool over her cookie (and other) creations on her Flickr stream…oooh….aaah….mmm…

Congratulations, Ande!

Scrumptiously yours,

Susan