Are you just a floating head?

I know. That’s a weird question. But it arises because I am currently reading the book, New Self, New World: Recovering Our Senses in the Twenty-First Century, by Philip Shepherd, and loving it. It’s so much about the ways that we cut off from the wisdom of our bodies, and live in our minds, not ever stopping to question that practice, just blindly accepting it. His message resonates so much for me. Like Philip Shepherd. I am committed to reawakening people to the innate intelligence of the body. It is a wisdom we know well before we are verbal, the way that newborn babies instinctively turn to hear their mother’s voice, even before they have full sight. Or the way an infant knows to cry to get attention, and an attuned mother can differentiate between the sounds of hunger, pain, and frustration.

This understanding of the wisdom of the body is getting more attention, and I am delighted. Shepherd apparently has attracted the attention of Eve Ensler, author, actress, and activist. This TEDWomen video shares her experience of awakening to her own inner wisdom, where realizes she is not just a floating head.

I love this line from her video: “For a long time, there was me, and my body. Me was composed of stories, of cravings, of strivings, of desires of the future. Me was trying not to be an outcome of my violent past, but the separation that had already occurred between me and my body was a pretty significant outcome. Me was always trying to become something, somebody. Me only existed in the trying. My body was often in the way. Me was a floating head.”

What about you? Are you just a floating head? Do you listen to your mind and ignore your body? Or diminish it’s messages?

We all need help shifting from head to whole self, so please share your experience of feeling more in your head…or more in your body…or somewhere between.

My own story of moving from floating head to being an embodied, vibrant, connected person is this: I had a wake up call to my body in the mid 1990s. About three years into my time in management consulting, I was involved in a car accident. As I drove home from San Francisco International Airport, while returning from a client engagement in Southern California, I was rear-ended by a drunk driver. Although the accident was not serious, I started getting painful migraine headaches immediately afterwards. My doctor wanted to run tests, but I would not allow it. I was determined to show how tough I could be. Even though I was completely stressed out by the nature of the work and the 80 to 100 hour work weeks, and even though I had fantasies about quitting the consulting firm, I was not going to let headaches keep me from working on what I thought was an extremely important client project! Then, two weeks after the car accident, I passed out in front of a group of clients. I literally fainted in front of them from the pain, and the project team took me to the hospital to check my health.

Clearly, I had not been listening to my body. I ignored the migraine symptoms, continuing to push through them so that I could work. I pretended I was fine. Fortunately, the managing partner of my office insisted that I follow my doctor’s orders to take a month off from work to relax and recuperate.

Deep down, I felt conflict. I wanted to demonstrate to my project team that I was as strong as everyone else, and that I fit into the culture, by continuing to work. But I also wished I could simply find work that was more fun, or that I could even stop working for a period. I lost consciousness, but that experience of fainting make me conscious of my need for work that fit me better. I moved into a role within the HR structure, running a global training operation, and loved it.

After starting a new educational program and running it for two years, I felt an impulse to take charge of my career direction, and have been incredibly proactive about seeking out new vistas that draw me in, that pull my energy, that beckon my involvement. They have included counseling, coaching, and teaching, in many ways, including online, in person, and one-on-one.

When this smart sensing capability expanded within me, I could feel my way through uncertainty, navigating more assuredly, more enthusiastically. No longer did I wait for anyone to direct me. I became more and more attuned to the innate intelligence within me, my inner guidance system. And now, I am fortunate enough to teach others to do the same for themselves. I’m not their director, I’m merely there to help guide them to their own wisdom, a boundless capacity.

Where are you residing? In your head? Your heart? Your gut? Your whole self, from head to toe?

Take a stand, and share your tale of learning to inhabit more of your head. Because certainly, we could all use more encouragement to find our whole wisdom.

With heartful appreciation,

Over the course of helping people reinvent themselves in their careers, sometimes, the answer isn’t always the obvious one.

Sometimes, you have to get out of your head to get sanity.

Today, I’ve decided to share an email I received, and offered my guidance not only for the dear writer who reached out to me, but to any of you struggling to decide “what should I do next?”  I’ve changed some of the facts, just to protect this dear writer’s privacy.

“Dear Susan:  I’m 27 years old and I am very lost and feel like my life is going nowhere. I earned a university degree in religious studies  in 2006 and since then the only jobs I’ve ever done have been temping jobs in the government, have done a total of 5 temping jobs and the longest of which have been 6 months! So in total I’ve only worked about a year in total and so been out of work for a total of 5 years. I have suffered with depression and anxiety. I lack motivation and drive. I just can’t seem to decide what I want to do with my life.

And what’s more it feels like I’ve tried everything. I’ve seen career counselors, spoken to career advisers, done career tests, written down all my interests and skills, and done voluntary work — all in an attempt to make a decision on doing something, but I still can”t figure out why I seem paralyzed and unable to move on with my life. The voluntary roles I had I just simply lost interest in. I’m someone who gets bored very easily. I just feel so hopeless and sad every day as I already think it’s kinda of too late to do some things. The bottom line: Right now I feel a huge sense of urgency as I need to make a decision to do something without wasting any more time.

What can I do, based on my limited experience? What options do I have?”

Thank you,
Mary

Can you identify with this letter?

My response is not about: Another career test. Another internship or volunteer position. Nor do I prescribe a visit to the psychiatrist for antidepressants.

Here’s my response:

“Dear Mary:  Thanks for being in touch. My heart goes out to you. And when I listen underneath everything you’ve said, my sense is that you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself. You know, everyone finds their path at their own speed, despite what school and companies and society try to dictate. It seems really important to reduce the anxiety.

Deep down, you have a knowing inside of you about each of your next steps. Trust those steps one at a time. No need to rush. No need for urgency. Really a need to hear yourself, I believe. I encourage you to experiment with processes that teach you to hear yourself, like meditation, or perhaps a moving meditation, like the 5Rhythms, or a practice called Sensory Awareness.

Using your mind and your logic to constantly “figure it out,” is overrated, in my humble opinion. I was stuck for a long time not knowing what I wanted. Then, I found body-centered psychotherapy and body-centered practices, like the 5Rhythms and while it was not linear, it lead me to my inner wisdom. I encourage you to drop the needing to know what you need to do for the long run, and start trusting your short-run instincts and impulses.

I wish you well in just being with yourself in a patient, totally compassionate way,
Susan”

Is this reply what you expected? Were you waiting for a list of assessments and tests for Mary to take? Would you have sent Mary to a psychologist or psychotherapist? What would you have suggested to help Mary?

Personally, I think that we in the Western world are a deeply disembodied bunch. We don’t remember our childlike impulses to listen within ourselves. We look outside of ourselves, to a candy store full of luscious life and career choices. And without ever taking a bite, we instantly get sick to our stomachs. That’s because we make ourselves ill when we look for personal answers outside of ourselves.

We’ve forgotten how to mine the delicious treats within. We have lost our memory for how to find our way with our best way-finding equipment:  our senses. I’m a huge believer in waking up the body’s wisdom, in all facets of our lives. Your body connects you to your intuition, your instinctive wisdom, that sense of your next steps.

So, what are you doing to wake up your inner wisdom?
Susan

PS – One of my personal favorite tools for waking up my own inner wisdom? I consult the “Get a Move On!” cards I created. They’re my favorite tool for getting unstuck.

Words like “Let go” “Trust” and “All will be well” can make me feel like barfing.

Yep, I know that’s graphic. Yet honest.

You often hear those words from friends if you’re in the midst of a difficult task — like finding a new home, looking for a new job, or finding a mate — right?  They’re well meaning friends, I know. But all that “surrender” stuff can sound to me like it’s advice for airy fairy people.

Oh, come on! Really? If you’re engaged in an important pursuit, like figuring out where you’re going to lay your head at night, or what job’s going to pay the money so you can afford your rent, are you supposed to just stop looking and hope and pray that it will all work out? All those “release and trust God” phrases used to sound like mumbo-jumbo magic to someone as  analytical and anxious as me.

But now, I see things differently.

I understand that to embody Kick-Ass Confidence when you’re doing anything important — like seeking a new home or looking for your next job — you have to do two things. First, you have to take inspired action — you have to make some efforts on your behalf, rather than lying in bed, wishing and hoping that somehow, a great opportunity will just magically arrive to solve all your problems. Second, you do have to let go. You do have to just trust. You do have to believe that all will be well.

So when you do that, what are you letting go of? It’s not the action-taking. It’s  the outcome. In other words, how things will turn out. Because despite all your best efforts, you don’t control the outcome.

Let me make this practical: Last week, I met with a woman to discuss renting a room in her home. The house where I’ve lived in for over four years is on the market, so I may have to move quickly into new accommodations. Before meeting with this potential new housemate, I started losing confidence. “What if she doesn’t like me?” I wondered. “What if we have a bunch of disagreements about things like noise, sharing the bathroom, where I can park my car…” Basically, I was scaring myself with negative scenarios.

I realized that my confidence was caving. I was terrified of all sorts of bad things happening.

But then I remembered: I don’t control the outcome. She will either take me as a housemate, or not. My job is to focus on the input. What I say to this woman. How I treat her. How I show up for myself during our discussions.

I might be supremely tranquil, loving, wise, and give her my best soft sell about becoming her housemate. Yet she still might not choose me. She might decide she doesn’t want to rent the room to anyone. Maybe her daughter will come back to town and want it. Who knows?

Given that the outcome of our discussions is out of control, I can make myself feel a lot better by saying to myself: “I’ve given this discussion my best shot.”

And then I tell myself: “Let go.” “Trust.” and “All will be well”

In fact, I did that. And she told me, “I’d love to have you as a housemate. Let’s talk more, and really iron out the details.”

Sure, it could have gone differently. But regardless, when I let go, and trust that all will be well, I keep my spirits up. I believe in myself. I feel like Spirit is looking after me, like I will get good results, even if I don’t exactly know when those results will or emerge. Or how the outcome will look.

What about you? How do you feel about letting go and trusting that all will be well? Share your comments, below.

Releasing all outcomes,

What would YOU like to feel more confident about? Join me for 28 days of kicking your fears and doubts to the curb, and kicking up your confidence. Join the 4-week Kick-Ass Confidence program that starts Wednesday, October 19.

Today, I’ve got five fast ways to transform fears and doubts into Kick-Ass Confidence in just a few minutes…or even seconds.

As much as I love teaching about Kick-Ass Confidence, sometimes I have a rough day. Or for some unknown reason (I tend to blame it on something I ate) I start feeling down about myself. So I made myself a list of quick, tried-and-true tools I can use to create a turnaround. I actually keep this list on my iPhone, so I know it’s there when I need it. Like a prescription for the blues.

Here are my five suggestions on how to create Kick-Ass Confidence right now. You can copy them and paste them into your PDA, onto your computer, or print them out and post them where you’ll remember them:

Dr. Susan’s quick remedies when your confidence crashes…

(1) Write a list of five times when you did feel confident, about anything. Sometimes, we need a reminder that this lack of confidence is not a permanent condition. A kick-in-the-pants to say, “Hey, you’ve been confident before…you can do it again.” Take 5 to 10 minutes and write a list of times you felt even an  itsy bitsy bit confident. Maybe you’re really confident when it comes to playing baseball. Or at talking to children. Or fixing toilets. Or cooking eggs. Let yourself feel your own juju coming back into your body as you recall previous times you’ve felt confidence.

(2) Call or text a good friend and say, “Tell why I’m a kick-ass human being, please.” Most friends are intuitive enough to know when we need a confidence boost, and they’re only too happy to oblige. If you’ve lost sight of your confidence, let someone else help you bring it into focus again. Drink in their words like they’re the most precious elixir on earth. Because in that moment, they incredibly vital and life-affirming.

(3) Shake out the bad stuff. Yep, gently shake your body, for 1 to 5 minutes imagining that you’re shaking out the negative feelings, thoughts, and sensations. Shaking is the body’s natural “reset” button. It also gets the blood and the oxygen flowing again. You exit that icky state of paralysis that overtakes you when you have a bout of the doubts.

(4) Get out of your head. When your confidence and self-esteem take a dive, follow that downward direction out of your swirling mind. Put your attention in your feet. Wiggle them. Move your tootsies. Maybe even dance a few little steps. Your body provides a faster route to self-confidence than the mind, which often likes to argue and find (silly) reasons you shouldn’t be confident. When your brain starts talking negatively, transfer your attention to your feet for a few minutes. This seemingly goofy approach can shift your mind. But don’t take my word for it. Try it yourself.

(5)Have a talk with yourself. What if you could be your own sweet, kind parent when you’re feeling a collapse in confidence? What would you say to yourself? Go ahead, talk to yourself. Aloud, if you can. Yes, really. It helps to hear yourself. If you’re at the office or somewhere where’s that just plain crazy, then try writing yourself a letter, from the most compassionate caring part of you. Give yourself the pep talk you wish someone else would give you.

Oh, let me add just one more. This one might take just a wee bit longer…less than a week…

(6) Sign up for the 4-week Kick-Ass Confidence program that starts Wednesday October 19. You’ll discover how to transform fears and doubts into kick-ass confidence.  To feel confidence, three areas of your life all have to be working together. That’s true whether you want to feel more confident at work, in your relationships, with money, with yourself, or with your body. And we address those three areas in simple, yet powerful ways. You’ll learn…

• How to soothe your spinning mind when you lack confidence – so you can think wise thoughts
• How to radiate confidence in your body — in your gut, your heart, your bones, and all of you – so you can radiate positive mojo
• How to connect to your spirit — so you can access lots of help when you need a confidence boost with tons of great suggestions to help you feel great about yourself, no matter what.

I would love to welcome you to the Kick-Ass Confidence program. Read all about it. If you have any questions, drop me a line.

Kick up YOUR confidence!

PS – Need some confidence for your job search? Check out the instant digital download of Job Seeker’s Confidence Kit!

Most mornings, I wake up and journal. This morning, I was moved to write poetry. And then I was moved to share my tender words with you. It’s a long poem, so click “Keep reading” to read it all.

You think you know who you are…

You think
You know
Who you are
You identify yourself
In certain ways
Thinking you’re the expert on
Who you are
Until you encounter
Something
Unexpected

I thought
“I don’t handle a crisis well”
“I am very squeamish about hospitals”
“I can’t handle adversity”
And then
My dad
Unexpectedly
Fell. Knocked unconscious.
For 18 hours.
I got the call at hour three
Was at his bedside at hour seven
Just left my husband five days before
Moved into an apartment two days earlier
Was totally disoriented
Lost
Somehow I stayed
By Dad’s bedside
In the ICU
For days
Somehow I knew
The questions to ask the nurses
Somehow I helped
My mom to manage
Somehow I coordinated
All the different doctors
Dad survived
Somehow I thrived
“I handle a crisis pretty well”
“I’m only a little squeamish about hospitals”
“I can handle adversity”

(Keep reading….)

I couldn’t help it. I saw an article on CNN about 9 things you shouldn’t say to your child.

And when I scanned those 9, I thought, “Hmm, these are things you shouldn’t say at work, either.” Sometimes, we treat kids better than we treat employees, especially when we talk down to the very people who are doing their utmost for the organization. It’s nutty.

So, I’ve left the CNN list of what not to say to kids intact. It’s just that I’ve changed the guidance to fit the workplace. And yes, this is meant to be a blend of tongue-in-cheek with wise guidance.

‘Leave me alone!’
OK, so this isn’t one people actually say. But sometimes, we can be brusque and off-putting when people want to see us. If you’re prone to becoming angry and upset when you’re co-workers visit you unannounced, or a client calls you on your private mobile phone number while you’re at a family outing, you may want to scream “Leave me alone!” Believe me, I understand. But if you do yell that, especially repeatedly, you will, indeed, be left alone.

Instead, I go back to the old adage, “Be gentle with people and firm with time.” I suggest you politely acknowledge the person, “Tara, it’s great to see you!” then mention what you’re focused on “And I’m right in the midst of finishing an email to an important client,” and then propose some other times to convene, “I have an opening tomorrow at 9:00 for 30 minutes, or Thursday at 4:00 for an hour. How about one of those?”

It’s fine to guard your time. Just don’t be too guarded about people.

‘You’re so…’
This is a tough one. Usually, we don’t fill in that “…” to someone’s face. But virtually everyone is prone to label people. “Harry’s so micromanaging.” “Sallie’s so entitled.” “Barbara is so scatterbrained.”

From the realm of non-violent communication, I would suggest that instead of attacking the person, you describe the behavior that irks you in a non-judgmental, journalistic way (think New York Times, not Fox News), and then describe your own reaction to that, in a way that describes what you prefer or wish for, even in the form of a request. That way, you leave open the possibility for the person to change. When we attach labels, they tend to stick for us, so that someone’s character becomes fixed in our minds, rather than fluid. So it might be “Harry makes me spends at least 30 minutes with him while he reviews whatever Excel spreadsheet I’ve created for him. That irritates me, and I wish he’d only make me sit through the review when there’s a glaring error, so that I can learn, instead of feeling humiliated.

This strategy takes some self-awareness, and changes the game from finger-pointing to personal development and interpersonal connection.

‘Don’t cry’
It’s seldom spoken in the workplace, but most of us have been told with a glance or isolation that crying is not acceptable on the job. And yet when strong emotions arise, tears are often an indicator of how much we care about an issue, not an admission of weakness, as many are prone to mislabel crying. In fact, in her book, “It’s Always Personal:  Emotion in the New Workplace,” author Anne Kraemer makes the case that as the line between work and the rest of our lives blurs, emotions are becoming more socially acceptable to express.

‘Why can’t you be more like your sister?’
Of course, unless your sister works in your company, you’re not going to hear this one. But managers sometimes have the subtle innuendo to imply that you should be as good as someone else in your department or group. Ouch!

In her blog post, Envy, Jealousy, Resentment – The “Comparison” Emotions at Work, Louise Altman quotes Thomas DeLong from the Harvard Business Review as saying “Comparing is a trap that permeates our lives, especially if we’re high-need-for-achievement professionals.” So please don’t add fuel to the fire of the triple threat of envy, jealousy, and resentment by comparing people. See people for their good traits and help them develop in the ways they want to develop. Attempting to create carbon copies of the employees you most admire is just not worth it.

‘You know better than that!’
Pardon me, but people make mistakes. And most of us who make mistakes have plenty of remorse for the wrong-doing. So there’s no need to add insult to injury.

Besides, Thomas Watson, the founder of IBM said, “The way to succeed is to double your error rate.” IBM just celebrated its 100th anniversary, so maybe Watson had some wisdom on this one.

‘Stop or I’ll give you something to cry about!’
OK, you don’t really hear this one at work. Or at least I hope you don’t literally hear these words. But some managers use threats to get their employees to perform. That’s very old world. And highly unlikely to work with Millenials, in particular, who care deeply about meaning over money. They want to feel inspired by their work, not punished. But that’s true of most everyone, actually, thank you very much.

‘Wait till daddy gets home!’
When an employee’s not performed up to expectations, sometimes managers threaten to share inferior examples with higher-ups, the equivalent of “daddy.” Honestly, this skirts the issue of just simply saying, “I, me, yep, the one you’re looking at…I think you’ve done a less than stellar job.” Instead of passing the buck to a superior, be brave and deliver the news yourself.

‘Hurry up!’
Oh, yeah, that’s what employees love. Someone breathing down their neck, asking them to speed up. Where did I read a study that being watched makes you perform better? Oh, that’s right, I didn’t read that.

Here’s a novel approach to time:  Brian Robertson of Holacracy suggest in his blog post The Insanity of What-by-When that instead of making time commitments by when you’ll have a project or task completed, for full transparency, you ought to offer a grounded projection, with the promise that you’re always working on the most important issue first.

‘Great job!” or “Good girl!’
This one ranks up there with “atta boy” and a pat on the back. Yes, people want to be recognized. But no, this is not sufficient or meaningful praise. To be sufficient and meaningful, you really need to be specific about what you liked in someone’s performance, and why that matters.

Whew, that’s enough parenting for a while…

Have you ever had a really strong conviction, an idea that you held strongly, fiercely, for a long, long time…and then, one day, just felt the opposite? Like you loved someone dearly, and then after years of adoring them, you just loathed them? Or you vehemently hated a sports team, a political party, a philosophical idea, and somehow, something shifted within you. Then, all of a sudden, inexplicably, you realized you actually kind of admired, liked, or even loved this team, party, idea, or person?

If you’ve ever flip-flopped hard, made a sharp turnaround, or had a strong conversion, then you’ve experienced enantiodromia. The psychologist, Carl Jung, articulated the principle of enantiodromia, which states that the superabundance of any force inevitably produces its opposite. As I see it, it’s like a pendulum swinging. If that pendulum moves forcefully to one side, then the momentum will ultimately carry it strongly to the other side.

Watch out for a superabundance of any force – it inevitably produces its opposite.

During nearly a decade of coaching individuals through the chaos, uncertainty, and often messy terrain of career reinvention, I fiercely swore that I would not go back to the corporate world. I knew that I’d crossed over from the “should path” to the “want to” way in terms of crafting my career on my own terms, and until just over six weeks ago, I was committed to working only with private-paying, individual clients, not corporations or organizations.

My very biased mind viewed corporations as monoliths, with harsh rules and limited flexibility. So many of my clients had hated their companies that I internalized their anger and frustration. Just the word “corporate” made me consider the word “corporeal,” which means “to be in the body.” I wondered if companies could possibly have hearts or souls. Given my love of somatic, embodied awareness practices, I did not want to work with any entity that could not truly engage on a heartfelt level. So for a full decade, I shunned the corporate world as a place to share my work. I closed myself off and didn’t see myself as belonging there. Any time a client, friend, or family member suggested that I might work with corporate clients, I shook my fist and held my ground. My ego was certain that my role was to defend the individual from big, bad companies. I saw myself as a protector and rescuer.

Well, I now see how that role of protecting and rescuing was my own creation. And it got me really, really stuck on a drama triangle, always looking to play the victim, the villain, or my favorite, the hero. Despite knowing about that drama triangle, I needed an outside perspective to help me see that I was playing a losing triangle game.

Following the economic downturn that started in the latter half of 2008, my coaching practice started to wane. From 20 clients a week to 10 or fewer. At first, I barely noticed. But then I really and felt the sting. My earnings took an incredible hit. So did my ego. And my body.

When your body starts talking to you, listen. But don’t worry. If you don’t pay attention, your body will keep creating more serious symptoms, until you have no choice but to listen.

I started feeling emotionally and physically drained. This made it even harder to earn money, because I lacked the push to develop new programs to help people transform their work, to reinvent themselves. I could not muster the energy. Unfortunately, I was slow to notice all the ways my body was letting me know something was amiss. Headaches. Fatigue. Mood swings. Brain fog.

Finally, it dawned on me. My body was trying to tell me something. I was in the grip of my own limited way of seeing the world.

Many of my ideas about the corporate world came from the unspoken expectations my drill-sergeant ego dictated to me when I was in management consulting:  “Always stay a step ahead of the client. Always dazzle everyone. Always give 200%. Always be the authority. Always go above and beyond. Oh, and never pay attention to your sensations or emotions. You’re too professional to do that!”

But working in the corporate world doesn’t always require playing by those rules set up by the pesky drill-sergeant. I’d had other jobs I loved, like teaching time management workshops all over the US & Canada. And, in fact, I did enjoy some of the management consulting work I’d done. I had selectively forgotten the good projects, like preparing research for the World Bank so that health ministers from around the world could learn about different forms of health care financing.

Your perceptions shape your views, and generally mirror your own inner landscape.

Gradually, over the past three months, I’ve come to see that my perceptions negatively shaped my views of companies. Truly, I’ve treated myself with my own harsh rules about how I could and could not operate Work from Within. I limited my own flexibility and then unfairly projected the same inflexibility onto all companies.  My view of the corporate world really reflected my view of myself.

Ouch.

A little over a month ago, I had a breakthrough in my consciousness, a new way of understanding my inner turmoil and hardships with my work. I was speaking to a fellow coach, Tara Sophia Mohr. We’ve been trying to get to know each other since we met at the first Wisdom 2.0 conference in 2010. Something about Tara’s gentle manner opened me up to being honest about my business woes. Tara asked a simple question, “Susan, if you’re making way less money than you used to, and you have lots of talents, what keeps you doing the work you’re doing?”

My answer came easily, “I can’t stand it when people tell me they hate their work. It doesn’t have to be that way.”

What Tara said next — without skipping a beat or trying to serve up advice — took my breath away:

“Wow. The corporate world really needs you, Susan.”

Something in my heart sang. And I literally felt my chest shift from collapsed to softely open. Wisdom arose from my belly and spoke its way through my lips: “Yes, I could take my work to the corporate world. In fact, they need me. And I have a ton to offer.”

Open up to the possibility that resistance can melt away in a moment.

Wow! The resistance to sharing my wisdom and practices in the corporate world fell away. I realized I’ve been building content over these last 10 years, content that I’d unfairly restricted to individuals, rather than sharing with companies. But, truly, the people who need my messages most work in companies. In a flash, I realized that employees yearn to unleash the fire in their bellies to create — rather than to incinerate – on behalf of their employers. Rather than becoming smoldering cauldrons of anger and frustration, individuals within organizations long to create a cascade of goodness and good works.

I want to unblock and open up new possibilities – in myself, and in the amazing people working in companies. It’s happening, it’s happening…I am really releasing my own resistance to going where I am most needed:  to organizations and companies who need me.

I’ve swung the pendulum from resisting the corporate world to embracing it. These feelings and realizations are all very new to me.  I’m a mix of excitement, delight, fright, and lots and lots of questions about what I most want to offer to the corporate world, and how I want to offer it. But what’s crystal clear to me is the why. Why I want to work with the corporate world. Because I can’t stand it when people tell me they hate their work. It doesn’t have to be that way.

The forces for good have been untethered, unleashed.

Dear Reader, I’ll keep you posted on what emerges next.

In the meantime, be on the lookout for places where you have a superabundance of emotion, conviction, or attachment. You just might go flinging off to the opposite polarity. At least now, you have a name for it:  Enantiodromia.

Hi all…and especially those of you who are looking for work…

I know the sting of losing your job, and how much it can hurt. I recognize that looking for work can create anxiety. You don’t know when you’ll get the new job, how, or from whom.

It pains me when I hear people say “I’m unemployed.” Please, you’re not an “UN.” So perhaps you can say “I’m between jobs” or “I’m looking for my next adventure” or something else that feels better. Words carry energy, and I am all about creating positive energy around work.

In the midst of the scary world of being “in between jobs,” I wanted to do something to help people who are unemployed and need some hope. So I’ve made a special VIDEO message to uplift & inspire you. Enjoy!

Please share your comments about this video, below. Whether you’re cheering yourself up, or cheering on someone who’s between jobs, your thoughts matter.

I have a confession.

I’ve been a stress case.

That’s hard to admit. Especially since I work with people to help them come alive at work. I do love coaching people, on a one on one basis, about their work. And I’ve been feeling more and more confident about my ability to help people truly light up at work. My head and heart both trust the effectiveness and transformational value of  the unique ways that I help people to conceive of work that fits them. So now, I’m quite hungry to expand my reach and impact so I can touch more people. That has meant teaching more group programs, writing, speaking in as many venues as possible, and influencing larger groups. Doing all these new activities has involved learning how to use webinar software, getting on the phone to talk to organizations and businesses about helping them, discovering how I can best describe what Work from Within is all about, and generally stepping out in the world in a much bigger way. Most of the time, learning these new skills and approaches to marketing Work from Within and my philosophies and practices has been fun. But it’s time consuming, and I’m prone to rush myself and demand results (dare I say, money) rather quickly. I’ve been impatient for success. I want it on my timeline, darn it!

All this effort lead me from stress toward burnout. I started recognizing the shift from becoming angry and frustrated at my circumstances to feeling resigned. For example, I would try to learn how to use webinar software, and somehow I’d lose my participants into the Internet ether (oops!). I’d feel enraged at the software and embarrassed at not being a perfect presenter. Then the nasty voice of Little Miss Perfect would scream in my head, and I’d berate myself for not getting familiar enough with the tools I needed to make the webinar hum along.

Over the course of a few months, I started to think: “I just don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not a celebrity yet, like Oprah or Suze Orman. Who am I to help people learn to come alive at work? I’ve been running Work from Within for five years. So why am I not on TV yet? Why haven’t I written a book, let alone published it? What am I doing wrong? Maybe I should just give up…”

My body began to feel heavy as a boulder, sluggish as a slug, mentally foggy like the June Gloom that hangs over the Pacific Coast, and downright stomp-my-feet-and-shake-my-fist irritable.  I remembered the difference between stress and burnout. Stress is about feeling over engaged and anxious. When you hit burnout, you’re likely to become disengaged, hopeless, and depressed. I was headed for the latter. After weeks and weeks of this experience, a lightbulb went off in my head:  Perhaps my ideas about failing and taking too long to make an impact aren’t true. Maybe I’ve been seeing my circumstances through a distorted lens, a narrow angle.

I resolved to shift my energy. I’m all about maximizing Return On Life Energy (ROLE), so I knew I needed to take action to build up my energy stores. I started with getting checked out by the practitioners at the Acupuncture and Complementary Medicine clinic in Berkeley, because I love that Chinese medicine is all based on life energy (which the Chinese call qi, and which Indians call prana). It’s been a process of replenishing my energy stores. I’ve gone from depletion to stagnation to amplification to expansion. Instead of feeling exhausted and irritable, in the course of six weeks, I’m now feeling mellow, flowing, and full of ease. And filled with gratitude for my life and the beauty in the world, sensing the joy of simple things, like the warmth of the mug of my wild sweet orange tea to the playful chatter of the birds in my magnolia tree.

Something else that helped my renewal, something counterculture:  I decided to follow my body’s instinct for rest. I booked a retreat at one of my favorite places on the planet, the Esalen Institute, on the Big Sur coast (I’ll be teaching a workshop at Esalen from December 5 to 10), with it’s warming sulfur hot springs, the crash of the waves of the Pacific Ocean against high cliffs, and the magical landscape with its rainbow of flowers, stands of gracious trees and cradle of rugged mountains.

To renew myself sense of self, I enrolled in an Esalen workshop with performance artist extraordinaire, Nina Wise, who created a practice called Motion Theater, a form of autobiographical improvisation. To me, learning Motion Theater was like finding self-transformational storytelling. Our group of ten women played theatre games (like forming ourselves into shapes and riffing off each others stories), meditated (in creative ways, including with singing), stretched, danced, and learned to tell our personal stories, rich with detail and grounded in sensory experience. Most importantly, the combination of verbal and non-verbal activities re-started my energy. By immersing myself fully in play and presence, I got back in touch with myself. Hallelujah!

If you find yourself sliding into stress, catch yourself and find your antidote. And if you’re slipping into burnout, or you’ve already landed there, stop pushing yourself. Your body, mind, spirit and emotions are telling you that what you’re doing needs to shift. It’s time to give yourself a break for relaxation, restoration, renewal, rejuvenation.

Based on my week at Esalen, and my personal discoveries, I’d like to share some suggestions for shifting out of stress and burnout and back into your essence, your true self, the quiet internal place that is you, no matter what.  Please feel free to take only what feels good, and trust your intuition to modify any of these ideas so they fit you:

Rest. I can be a work machine. That go-go-go behavior got ingrained in me during my tenure in management consulting, when I sometimes worked 80 to 100 hours a week. These days, I think that’s insane. It’s all push, no pull. In other words, I used to make myself do work, rather than feeling drawn or inspired to do it. When we’re stressed, we often push ourselves hard. But that push, push, shove, move forward, go, go, go energy is only one way of being. You are not a machine. You cannot keep up an unrelenting pace indefinitely. Staying up late, working around the clock, denying yourself breaks…this is a recipe for a breakdown. Instead, give yourself the gift of rest. Of doing nothing. Or doing only those things that are pleasurable. Not just satisfying, but truly nourishing. Make the choice to feed yourself what you truly want, which very well may be peace and quiet.

Relax your efforts. Before taking this retreat, I had been working for months without a break, staying up until 11 or 12 at night to reply to emails, plan a workshop, update my website. So much effort! In physics, effort equals work. But work — as in your career, your livelihood — need not be full of hard effort, at least not all of the time. Notice how hard you are trying, and reduce the effort. Here’s one way to do this: Start by doing something that comes very, very naturally to you. Like walking. Or talking on the phone with a friend. As you’re doing this easy, natural activity, become aware of your body and where you hold tension and tightness. Then, do an activity that you don’t do so easily. Not the hardest thing, but something that you have to pay attention to do, and where perhaps you have less skill. Like for me, that’s riding my bike downhill. I have to concentrate. I’m afraid I’ll fall. I can do it, but I have not yet mastered it. How do you feel, in your body, when you do this activity that you’re still mastering? Where are you tight? Where are you loose? Your clamped jaw, your shoulders that come up near your ears…these are all signs of added effort. What can you say to yourself (like “I’m starting to get the jist of this”), and how can you modify the activity (like doing less of it, or only a portion of it, or slowing it down) and particularly your expectations of yourself (maybe telling yourself “It’s OK to be a beginner, and to make mistakes”), so that you can feel more ease?

Reconnect with people who care about you. I’ve been going to Esalen for nearly a decade now, so in that time, I’ve made a lot of friends there. Having them ask about me, getting to spend time with them, catching up…these are all nurturing. I feel seen and appreciated by people who know me. In times of stress and burnout, we need to have people around us who will support us. Who might you like to have around you to support you? You might call a friend and ask to have an hour to just share what’s happening. You could get some friends together and have a “dump your problems in the garbage” ritual, writing down what’s bugging you, reading your list aloud with feeling and emphasis, and then ripping up your list and throwing it in a collective trash can or fire. Then, make a resolution to do one thing, just one for now, that can make you feel better. And report back to the group when you’ve done it, either in person, by email, or by phone. Connect to yourself by connecting with others who are willing and able to help you regain yourself.

Spend time in nature. The rhythms in nature tend to be so different than our man-made mechanistic rhythms of cars and traffic and TV show and meetings and all the scheduled, pre-planned activities, and the constant onslaught of information. Nature is slower, organic, cycling and shifting. Nature is not like the airbrushed superstars we see in magazines and attempt to emulate. It’s raw and honest, the apple that has been pierced by a worm looking for food, the jagged leaf that’s asymmetrical, the birds that do not fly on a preordained flight plan like airliners but flit from tree to tree as they feel called to explore and as the need arises for food and shelter. Nature reminds us to slow down, to get back in touch with our innate instincts and impulses, to trust the flow of life. Immerse yourself in Nature’s rhythms, and you’re bound to have your own reflected back to you.

Turn down your mind and turn up your innate, embodied impulses. When I’m being very verbal — even if it’s replying email — I’m up in my head. And if you’re anything like me, your head can be a dangerous playground, with the broken carousel of repetitive negative thoughts and the teeter totter of self-talk alternately flinging you between self-aggrandizement and self-deprecation. I often tell people to “take the elevator down,” suggesting that they move from their heads to the rest of their bodies. Give yourself time to explore and play non-verbally. Perhaps you will put on music and just move your body in whatever ways feel good, without thinking of the moves you’ll make. You could shake your body like a ragdoll for a few minutes and shake out the cobwebs. You might slither on the floor like a snake and then roll and ooze. You could move your hands like they are talking, which is an activity Nina Wise suggests in her book,  A Big New Free Happy Unusual Life. Listen to what you need, what feels satisfying, and nurture yourself the way a mother nurtures a baby: with touch, rhythm, and movement.

Open your heart. When we’re stressed our burned out, often we’ve neglected our hearts. We are so hell-bent on achieving success, so determined to do what’s right and good, so focused on making money or getting that promotion…and our hearts are suffering from being left out of the conversation about our needs. Needs? Hah, we think, it’s needy to have needs. No, actually, it’s not. Our heart’s desires deserve our attention. Set aside 10 to 15 minutes. Get quiet and put a hand on your heart. Ask your heart, “what do you need?” Be patient, and listen to the answers. Write them down. Follow the most compassionate or most nourishing replies first, like the ones that tell you “Give yourself a hug.”

In every moment, you can add ease and joy to your life by reducing the effort, doing what feeds you, and reducing the activities and situations that deplete you. Bit by bit, day by day, your practice of minimizing your energy drains and maximizing your energy gains will deliver you into a life and livelihood that works for you. That way of living does not come from being hard and harsh with yourself, but rather from relaxing, restoring, renewing, rejoicing, and rejuvenating, as needed. It’s just what the doctor ordered.

Love from Dr. Bernstein!

Susan

Are you fed up with your work? You know, frustrating colleagues, angry managers, ugly offices, unreasonable deadlines, massive bureaucracies, never-ending meetings…these things can drive you crazy.

Well, you’re not alone! Have you noticed that other people around you just want to throw in the towel at work?

I say “ARGH!” (Not very articulate…just ultra frustrating!)

World at Work recently reported on a study by The Conference Board:
The report, based on a survey of 5,000 U.S. households conducted for The Conference Board by TNS, found that only 45% of those surveyed said they are satisfied with their jobs, down from 61.1% in 1987, the first year in which the survey was conducted.

“While one in 10 Americans is now unemployed, their working compatriots of all ages and incomes continue to grow increasingly unhappy,” says Lynn Franco, director of the Consumer Research Center of The Conference Board. “Through both economic boom and bust during the past two decades, our job satisfaction numbers have shown a consistent downward trend.”

So, what’s causing this frustration with work? My answer may surprise you.

I don’t think it’s just that we have crummy managers and unattractive offices. It’s not just that tasks can be boring.

The big reason I believe job satisfaction tends to be low:  We give our control for our careers over to other people.

I talk to hundreds of people about their work every month. And when I ask them, “How did you come to be doing the work you’re doing?” I hear over and over again:

• I fell into my work
• I stumbled into my work
• Someone (my boss, my parent, my spouse) told me I should do my work
• Someone told me I shouldn’t do the thing I really love
• I figured that if I did what I love, I’d be a starving… (you fill in the blank…artist, musician, chef, etc.) so I just gave in and did something to pay the bills

Are you guilty of one of these? I was. My first week of college at the University of Arizona, I called home (a collect call, on the dorm’s hallway payphone) to my father and told him that I’d declared a major.  “What did you declare?” my dad asked.  “Psychology!” I exclaimed, breathlessly excited. I knew my passion. I’d be studying it.

Then came the silence. I waited. And waited. And waited for my father to say something. “Dad? Dad? Are you still there?” I begged to know, panicked about his lack of enthusiasm.

“Susan, you’ll never make any money until you get to the PhD level.”

Those words were sufficiently frightening to me, at the tender age of 18, to send me in a new academic direction. I studied Economics and Marketing. I sacrificed my passion for money. I did that for most of my career. And slowly but surely, the life energy was draining out of me, until finally, in 2001, I decided that I didn’t want to be a 70 year-old woman before I studied my first love. I wasn’t 100% sure what I’d do with my studies, but my heart was calling to me.

We so often leave our hearts out of our decisions about our careers. This is a recipe for disappointment. Work will ultimately become a dirty four-letter word if your heart’s not in it.

What can you do about increasing your job satisfaction?

1. Take back control. Instead of surrendering your control to well-meaning friends, co-workers, managers, spouses, family members, listen to your heart.

Ask your heart:

• What are you needing more of?
• What are you hungry for?
• What do you truly want to express to the world?

Be patient. If you’ve not listened to your heart in a long time, it may be shy or reluctant to share. Or, it may be itching to talk to you. Get a journal and write down whatever comes. Trust your heart. Listen to your gut. Then, put your mind in the service of your heart (and your gut, and all your inner wisdom, even in your little pinky toes).

2.  Take baby steps. Most of us try to make change too quickly, honestly. I know, I know, we feel like we’ve gotta have that new job now. Or we have to make everything all better in one felt swoop.

I would ask you:  What’s ONE thing you could try out doing differently this week? Here are some ideas for first steps:

• Frustrating colleagues? Plan a conversation to clear the air and start fresh. Put it on the calendar. Then prepare by reading about a subject like Marshall Goldsmith’s non-violent communication so you have a model for communicating effectively.
• Angry manager? Read a great book like Douglas Stone & Bruce Patton’s Difficult Conversations so you know how to talk to your manager. Find something to do to let go of the anger, like taking a walk or writing in a private journal.
• Ugly office? Bring in a vase and fresh flowers. Put up a photo that pleases you.
• Unreasonable deadlines? Prioritize all of your projects, so you know what’s most important.Write a workplan and discuss it with your manager. If you can show that you’d need to work an incredible number of hours, look for solutions to eliminate or shorten steps, delegate portions, or create time-off after you put in a big push of work.
• Massive bureaucracies? Find experts in your organization who’ve mastered the art of getting things done – take them to lunch and pick their brains, so you learn how to do it.
• Never-ending meetings? Suggest trying out stand-up meetings as leader Bob Schoultz suggests. Most people will go faster if they’re not sitting down.

3. Believe that great work is possible. Many of us block ourselves with expressions like “work sucks” and “well, this is as good as it gets” or “I can just suffer through this.” Do you really want work that fits you? Then I believe you must craft your “work from within,” for if you do not believe, deep within yourself, that this is possible, you will sabatoge your possibilities for great work.

Great work is not just an idea. When you have great work, you embody it. So take charge, and follow your heart. Let it set your direction. And then ask your mind to help you move in that new, heart-felt direction.

With care,

Dr. Susan Bernstein
Life/Work Transition Expert
www.WorkFromWithin.com

PS – Do you really, truly want work that fits for you?

What are you doing to create it?

I’ve got a great new 7-week webinar series, “Don’t Look for a Job! Create a ROLE That Truly Fits for You” that I’m offering on Wednesday nights from April 7 to May 19, 2010. Check it out at http://www.workfromwithin.com/calendar/rolethatfitswebinar/

Go ahead and get a taste! Sign up for a free preview call to learn more about that webinar. The free call is on Wednesday, March 3, 6-7 pm Pacific. Get all the details at  http://www.workfromwithin.com/calendar/rolethatfitswebinar/#1