You think
You know
Who you are
You identify yourself
In certain ways
Thinking you’re the expert on
Who you are
Until you encounter
Something
Unexpected

I thought
“I don’t handle a crisis well”
“I am very squeamish about hospitals”
“I can’t handle adversity”
And then
My dad
Unexpectedly
Fell. Knocked unconscious.
For 18 hours.
I got the call at hour three
Was at his bedside at hour seven
Just left my husband five days before
Moved into an apartment two days earlier
Was totally disoriented
Lost
Somehow I stayed
By Dad’s bedside
In the ICU
For days
Somehow I knew
The questions to ask the nurses
Somehow I helped
My mom to manage
Somehow I coordinated
All the different doctors
Dad survived
Somehow I thrived
“I handle a crisis pretty well”
“I’m only a little squeamish about hospitals”
“I can handle adversity”

The moments molded me
Like a sculptor
Chipping away
At old beliefs
At old patterns
Revealing what’s beneath
Accessing beauty and strength

I always said
“I hate to garden”
“Pulling weeds is not for me”
“I’m bad with plants”
And then
On retreat
I’m working in the Kitchen
“I love to cook”
“I’m a foodie”
But the kitchen did not suit me
The pace was too much
The time to talk and connect was too little
The physically was too much
I drop things
On myself
Including hot coffee

“We’re moving you to the Farm & Garden”
Panic sets in
It will be worse than the Kitchen
The blazing sun will burn my fair skin
I will be sore
But then
I harvested lettuce
Pulling up food from the Earth
Washing delicate greens
I am in awe of Nature
Planting one thousand seedlings
With three other people
We chat about organic farms
And how grateful we are for migrant farm workers
Who go unthanked
Working in the dirt
On a steep slope
For a few hours
I am sore
But the soreness fades
Replaced by
A love of being in the dirt
Farmer life agrees with me
Surprising
I want to garden
Pulling weeds is therapeutic
I am in love with the miracle of planting life

Throw yourself
Into the expected
Discover who you are
In every moment
Anew

- Susan Bernstein, 7 September, 2011